INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir! AMIR: And my lucky number is sixty-nine! [chuckles] JAKE: Get out. AMIR: Okay. [Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir's nose is still scarred beyond recognition from his nose job.] AMIR: Oh! Got a spell of good news in an otherwise... quite shitty week. JAKE: I'd say so; looks like your nose is falling off. AMIR: I don't have to be nice to anyone anymore. JAKE: You're not nice to anybody now. AMIR: Yeah, well now I'm rich about it! JAKE: ...What does that even mean? AMIR: Ever heard of the lottery, jackass? JAKE: Yes. AMIR: Well I just found out about it yesterday! JAKE: Then you know what? You're the jackass! AMIR: Either way, I just won the goddamn jackpot! So call me whatever you want. [chuckles] JAKE: Why do you think you won the lottery, jackass? AMIR: [picking at the scabs on his nose] Enough with the name-calling! JAKE: Can you please-- AMIR: I'm serious. JAKE: --not pick at that? AMIR: I'm not trying to! It obviously itches like a bitches! JAKE: Okay, well just let it heal! AMIR: Either way, I'm serious about the lottery thing, man. I-- I beat the system on that; I really did. JAKE: How. AMIR: Well, you know how everyone only buys one lottery ticket? JAKE: ...No? AMIR: [singing, holding up two tickets] Well I got tree, I got tree, tell the world, that I got... tree! [flicks his tongue in between the tickets] [Jake doesn't respond.] AMIR: Ass! JAKE: You know you're holding two? AMIR: Ass! Ass! JAKE: It's two. AMIR: You wouldn't have laughed even if I s-- JAKE: That's not three. AMIR: That's why you're not laughing? 'Cause I said two? JAKE: Yeah! Because you know what-- AMIR: Or is it because-- because everything I say doesn't make you laugh? JAKE: --winning the lottery is, like, one in two hundred million! What are your numbers? AMIR: Because you have a bias against me. JAKE: What are your numbers? AMIR: Excuse me? JAKE: What are the numbers? We'll check right now to see if you won. First ticket. Go. AMIR: What do you mean, "first ticket"? They're both the same "winning" combination on each ticket! Why win one lottery... [holds up three fingers] when you can win tree? JAKE: So you know what three is? Right? 'Cause that one's got three, this one's got two-- you know what? Forget it. You bought multiple lottery tickets with the same combination? AMIR: The same winning combination! [picks at his scabs] There's a difference. JAKE: There's not. What are the numbers? AMIR: 1, 18, 22, 27, 38, Powerball... tree! As in "I just won the lottery tree times". JAKE: Jesus Christ, you won. AMIR: I know. I know. JAKE: Please, this isn't fair! Alright? You have to understand-- this is the most insanely lucky thing that's happened to anybody, ever. AMIR: Not luck, okay? Strategy! JAKE: No, it wasn't strategy! Okay? Just-- jump up and down, be happy, at least act shocked. Okay? You noseless ass! AMIR: Oh, excuse me! What's that supposed to mean? Is that some kind of dig at my nose? JAKE: Yes! Obviously! It wasn't thinly veiled! AMIR: I can't handle this right now! I gotta go back to the store and get the numbers on these tickets to match the one on the site! JAKE: Great, so they don't match right now. AMIR: Not right now! But I have a feeling if a guy who just won three hundred and thirty-three million dollars waltzed in there, [picking at his scabs] they'll pretty much do whatever the hell he asks them to. JAKE: Can you please just focus on getting your face better and stop scratching your nose? AMIR: It just itches a lot, okay? But it's fine! JAKE: Hey-- hey, it-- but-- no, there's a family of spiders crawling out of there. AMIR: [with spiders on his nose] Oh my God! END