INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching a very clean episode of Jake and Amir! AMIR: Fuck yeah! JAKE: Nice. [Jake and Amir are in a laundry room.] JAKE: Alright, you're gonna learn how to do your laundry. AMIR: Washing is fine. It's drying that's trying! JAKE: You're wearing sopping wet pants that smell like vinegar. I don't think you're good at either. AMIR: A clothesline? That takes time! JAKE: Focus. AMIR: I am! JAKE: Not on rhyming. AMIR: Okay. JAKE: Alright, first thing's first. You want to separate your darks from your lights. AMIR: Wow, racist much. JAKE: [pulling a flag out of the basket] You have a Confederate flag in your laundry. AMIR: [grabbing the flag] Coward! JAKE: You are one. AMIR: You are one! JAKE: You are one! [Amir is taking off his clothes.] JAKE: These clothes stay on. These ones stay on! AMIR: These ones are the dirtiest! AMIR: [holding a pair of women's underwear in front of Jake] Oh, how embarrassing! A woman's underwear. I wonder how that got in there-- oh, maybe it was from a one-night stand I had with a 10! JAKE: [grabbing the underwear] You know what? This is embarrassing, 'cause I saw you open a new package of women's underwear, smell them, crumple them up, and put them in the bottom of the bag. You fake-dropped them on the floor in front of me twice, hoping I would notice, then you finally just dangled them in front of my face and said "how embarrassing". You are a loser. AMIR: In retrospect, she might have been a 9. JAKE: Do you want to wash them or not? AMIR: I do not. [grabs the underwear and smells it] [Jake has begun the cycle. He and Amir stand in uncomfortable silence. Amir is naked.] AMIR: How'd the hipster burn his mouth? JAKE: I don't want to talk to you while you're naked. AMIR: He drank coffee before it was cool! JAKE: Nice. AMIR: ...Do you mean that? The "nice" thing? I'm seriously asking for a friend. [Amir bangs his head against the washer over and over again.] AMIR: Some of these clothes are pee-proof, others, dry-clean only. JAKE: None of your clothes are either, okay? It's just cotton clothing. You reek of piss. AMIR: Eureka! [laughs] Sorry. It just sounded like you said "eu--" JAKE: You smell like pee. AMIR: I know. AMIR: Tickle fight! [Amir tickles Jake, who reflexively punches him in the face. Amir is out cold.] [Amir pulls out his khakis, still with the stain on them.] JAKE: Oh! Come on, I thought you washed those! AMIR: I put them in the hamper! Though I feel like I can get one more wear out of these twats. JAKE: Burn them. AMIR: You'd love that, wouldn't ya. [holds the pants up to Jake's face] JAKE: [recoiling] I would. JAKE: [to an unconscious Amir] Hey... I was kidding, man! Come on. Get up, you... come on! [Jake bends down and tickles Amir.] JAKE: Tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle... [Amir giggles loudly.] AMIR: [blowing soap suds at Jake] Come on! Ever been to a foam party? JAKE: You know, you ruined all your clothes, you broke your washer, it's gonna cost you a lot of money. AMIR: To get into the club? I don't think so! Not if I bring in tits and slits! Okay? It's called being a promoter. JAKE: You can't talk without being bad. AMIR: [dancing] Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz! AMIR: Why is it that washing always costs more than drying? JAKE: Washing takes more power, maybe? Water? To run the machine? AMIR: Mmm, no. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. JAKE: Dick. AMIR: What? JAKE: Dick. AMIR: Oh, okay. I thought you said something mean. [Amir is still banging his head against the washer.] JAKE: You're insane. [Amir is having a party in the laundry room with two women. Dance music is playing.] AMIR: [laughing] Yeah! JAKE: How? AMIR: Embrace it, dude! I'm a promoter! END