INTRO AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and to leave a numeric page, press 1. JAKE: Numeric page? AMIR: I don't know. EPISODE AMIR: It will just slice through this fig. It will cut through this carob. And if you don't believe me, let's do 'em both, at the same (cuts finger with knife) ti-ahh JAKE: Sorry, man, I wan't listening. AMIR: That's OK. (laughs) Did you see it cut the fig? And just slice through that carob? JAKE: I did hear you cut your finger. I told you to be careful. AMIR: You didn't? (laughs) JAKE: I did, yes I did, I actually did. AMIR: (simultaneously) You didn't? (laughs) You didn't? But that's OK, because you know what, a good salesman powers through. How often do you cut a steak? JAKE: I just caught a glimpse of that cut, man, and that's really bad. AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: The tip of your thumb is just dangling. AMIR: Yeah, now you know how sharp the paring knife is, right? (sucks cut) Hm, hmmm. JAKE: Wow, that's not good enough, O.K., you can't just lick it like you're eating barbecue ribs, you have to go to the E.R. AMIR: And you have to go to jail. O.K? Because these, these knives are a steal at any price. JAKE: Alright, number one, why are you selling knives? O.K., you have a job, and number two, where did you get carobs and figs? And number three, you don't have a thumb. Go to the hospital. AMIR: I don't need a thumb, O.K., 'cause I got nine fingers left, nine reasons why these will be the last knives you ever have to buy. JAKE: Put pressure on the wound! AMIR: Mhmm, I am, I'm gonna put pressure on the yound to snatch these up A.S.A.P. because supplies are limited. JAKE: Stop flipping this around, O.K., you're losing a lot of blood. AMIR: Yeah? Well you're losing the deal of a lifetime. How's that for deadly? JAKE: O.K., how much- how much are the knives? AMIR: Oh these knives? Sorry, these are not for sale. I'd be crazy to sell these to you. JAKE: Don't try the stupid sales trick on me, O.K., I'll give you a hundred dollars if you'll just go take care of yourself. AMIR: I'll take the money but you cannot get these knives. I'm sorry. JAKE: What is going on? AMIR: I spent a fricken g on these knives, like, an hour ago, I can't just give them to you. JAKE: You were just trying to sell them to me! AMIR: No, I'm trying to sell you these carobs and figs, the softest fruit you'll ever see, but you were just obsessed with the knives so I thought I'd do that for a bit before veering the argument back to carobville. Unfortunately, I got a little sliced en route, so- JAKE: (on phone) Hi, 9-1-1? Yes, I need an ambulance. AMIR: (to phone) You need a fig. JAKE: Right, my coworker- AMIR: Best friend. JAKE: cut off his thumb. Amir, what blood type are you? AMIR: O-positive. As in oh, I'm positive you'll need a fig and a carob when I'm done with you- JAKE: She hung up. AMIR: O.k., let me call her back. (reaches with bloody hand) JAKE: Hey, ahh! THE END