INTRO: Amir: You're watching Jake and Amir, and now you're not. Jake: They still are. Amir: Fuuudge. (Jake is sleeping in a hotel room bed, Amir is sitting next to him with a cup of tea) Amir: makes strange face, mumbles quietly, blows on Jakes face, clinks teacup with saucer trying to wake Jake up Amir: (Loudly) Our Los Angeles itinerary is as follows: Jake: What time is it? Amir: (Singing) 6 a.m, day after Christmas, I put mumbles Jake: Why did you... Amir: (Singing loudly) She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly! Jake: Stop singing... Amir: (Still singing) Off the brick and... Jake: Stop singing that song! Amir: It's about a fun vacation! Jake: It's not about a fun vacation, it's about a... Why did you get me up this early? Amir: When I tell you the reason? Yeah you're gonna feel like a goose. Okay, so I urge you to back down now. Jake: Just tell me. Amir: I made you tea. It's too late, I said it, you're a jerk. Jake: No, I don't think that was nice, it wasn't nice of you to make tea this early and then wake me up. Amir: (Laughs in a somewhat surprised way) I didn't want it to get cold! Jake: Bad logic. Bad logic, right? Make the tea later. Amir: I knew you were gonna say that. Jake: If you knew I was gonna say that then why did you do it? Amir: Because I didn't know until you said it, and then right as you said it I knew! Jake: Okay then you didn't know! So don't... Amir: (Punches Jake twice) Tit punch! Jake: Dude, why did you do that? Amir: Ya get one tit punch! Jake: That was two. Amir: A bonus tit punch for counting the tit punches... Like a tit. Jake: Just tell me what the itinerary is... Amir: (Reading from a paper) 6 a.m: Wake up, receive a tit punch. Jake: Great. Done. Next. Amir: 6:15: Triple S, shower, shave, shit. Jake: Bad order. Amir: At the same time. Jake: Jesus Christ. Amir: 7:30: Tour the canyon, there's a beautiful spot in the middle where you can see the Colorado river for miles. (Jake looks confused) 8 a.m: Rent donkeys, hire a local jackass, pun intended, to help us navigate... Jake: Okay stop it, do you think we're at the Grand Canyon? Amir: (Hesitates, folds the paper) No. Jake: (Grabs paper) A lot of this stuff is canyon related. Amir: (Dismissively) Name twelve. And make sure that they're about the Grand Canyon specifically, not just about any canyon. Jake: Great. Easy. 9 a.m: Get a view of the canyon, she is grand, and she is canyon. Amir: I am a shame. Jake: 10 a.m: Get matching Grand Canyon tattoos. They should read This friendship is as grand as the canyon. Arizona. Amir: No. Jake: Yeah. 11 a.m. just says Arizona eight times in a row. Amir: This is a public shaming of me. Jake: No it's... We're in a... No it's not. Amir: This is so messed up. I made like an amazing jackass-donkey pun earlier, and we're just glossing over it. Jake: The stuff that's not canyon related is just straight up mean. Amir: (Whiny) It's poking fun at society! Yeah okay, who are we if we can't laugh at ourselves? Jake: (Talking as Amir is whining) Oh my god, stop with the voice. Amir: You know not everyone has these rose colored sunglasses that you do! Jake: 1 p.m: Break all the baby food at the supermarket so the babies have no food? Amir: Occupy Baby Street. Jake: 2 p.m. says French kiss a French bulldog. Why do you wanna do that? Amir: That's not me, that's you! Unless you wanna get... Jake: Tit punched, right, I... Amir: Tit punched! (Punches Jake again, spills tea on him) Jake: Oh my god, it's boiling! Amir: Ah, I didn't want it to get cold!