NARRATOR: Previously, on Jake and Amir: BEN: Some party pooper took a dump inside the copier, and I'm tryin' to find out who it was... [cut] No more cool laid-back dude! It's all fuckin' over now! INTRO JAKE: I'm Jake... AMIR: I'm Amir... BEN: [shrill Italian accent] It's-a me, Ben! AMIR: Oh no, it's too loud. / JAKE: No, that's offensive! [Ben now has a new outfit, a baseball bat, and a goatee. No time has elapsed since the end of the last episode.] BEN: You think this is fuckin' funny? JAKE: You grew a goatee? BEN: Shut the fuck up, okay? Did you... [points at Amir] take a shit in the copier? [There is a long pause.] AMIR: Yeah, no. BEN: ...Which one? AMIR: Ya know? BEN: Ya know...? AMIR: Ya know it's no. BEN: Ya know it's no! JAKE: Sounds a little suspicious, right? He started to say yeah. BEN/AMIR: [talking over Jake] Ya know it's no. [high-five] Ya know it's no. JAKE: How-- BEN: Jake... did you take a shit in the copier? JAKE: No. [Ben punches Jake in the head.] JAKE: Ow! ...Fuck, dude! BEN: I'm gonna ask you one more time, and this time, I'm not gonna be so nice. JAKE: That wasn't nice. You just hit me! I didn't shit in th-- BEN: Jake... did you take a shit in the copier? JAKE: No. [Ben begins punching Jake in the head again.] JAKE: [punch] Ow, can you-- [punch] Ow! Hey! BEN: Hold his arms. [Amir complies, and holds Jake's arms behind the chair.] JAKE: Nonono don't-- [punch] Ow! Ow-- [Ben leans into Jake's crotch.] JAKE: What the hell is-- [Ben unzips Jake's pants and starts blowing him.] JAKE: Stop-- ...Ohh... BEN: Gggg-gggg-gggg... [Jake pushes Ben out of his lap.] JAKE: Get off of me! What the fuck was that? He just gave me head. [punch] Ow! BEN: You gonna tell me what I need to know? JAKE: No! You just beat me up and sucked my dick. BEN: I've got a family waiting for me at home; I don't need to be doing this bullshit. JAKE: Well, go back to your family! BEN: It's not my family. It's a family I kidnapped. JAKE: Oh, my God... BEN: What do you mean, Oh my God? JAKE: What are their names? BEN: They're normal names. I didn't name 'em. Paul, Janet, Stanson... JAKE: Stanson's not that normal. BEN: I named the last one. [points at Amir] Where were you yesterday at noon, Amir-- and if you bullshit me, man-- AMIR: I was by the copier. BEN: This copier? AMIR: Yeah. BEN: That doesn't mean anything, you know-- JAKE: It d-- it means a lot-- BEN: Stop. Keep going, Amir. AMIR: I had just gotten back from lunch. Some hole-in-the-wall Mexican place. BEN: Wha-- where, which ho-- which place? AMIR: Oh, not a r-- not a place, this actual hole in the wall that I found a burrito in. Then I went to Taco Bell and got one of the T-- the d-Dorito Taco-Lacos. JAKE: I don't think that's what it's called. [punch] Ow, stop it! BEN: Hold his arms, Amir. JAKE: No, don't! [Ben leans into Jake's crotch again, using his hands as well this time.] BEN: Flick-flick-flick, flick, flick, flick, flick... JAKE: St-- quit flicking-- ohh... oh, my G-- he's sucking my dick! [Ben comes back up, and Jake shoves him.] JAKE: That was illegal, man! That was illegal. [Ben retorts calmly, but is drowned out each time by Jake.] JAKE: I didn't want that! I shit in the copier, okay? Stop beating me up. Stop sucking me off. I shit in the copier! BEN: Well, that's funny... 'cuz that's impossible. JAKE: Why? BEN: ...'Cuz I shit in the copier. [Jake sits in stunned silence. Amir is awestruck.] JAKE: What the fuck? [Amir begins clapping for Ben.] BEN: [mouthing] Thank you. Hey. JAKE: That's not impressive. BEN: It was me the whole time! [Amir continues clapping. Ben does a little victory dance, and then winds up and gives Jake another punch in the head.] JAKE: Ow. END