INTRO BEN: You're listening to Jake and Ameesh! JAKE: Watching it, actually. AMIR: Amir. Is my name. [Jake and Amir are not at their desks. They seem to be waiting for somebody.] AMIR: I spent a lot of time in high school doing Habitat for Humanity - you know, building houses - but instead of real nails, I would use these dissolvable sugar studs that I would get at novelty stores, and, like, always: six months later, I would check the news, and that house would - BOOM [snap] - collapse. Two dead, three dead, four at a time, just gone. JAKE: What the hell is wrong with you? [The interrogator, here referred to as Ben, enters.] BEN: (singing) Hey diddly-dee, a sailors life for-- [abruptly stops singing] How are you? How is everything? This is what's happening: I'm goin' around this office, asking people-- because you know what happened? Some party pooper took a dump inside the copier, and I'm tryin' to find out who it was... JAKE: Inside the machine? BEN: Inside-- they lifted up the glass, took a quick feces [pronounced f'SEEZ] inside, and closed the glass again! JAKE: Oh my God... BEN: It's crazy, isn't it? JAKE: So you're interrogating people? BEN: Um, am I an interrogator is what he asks, and my answer is - gimme one second, I gotta double-check the facts, ummmm... [Ben studies a list reading: Dating Coach Couples Therapist Private Eye Office Painter H. R. Guy Mountain Hiker Interrogator] BEN: ...Interrogator, yeaaah! That's what I am. JAKE: What's that list? [Jake tries to grab the list but Ben puts it away.] BEN: Nonono, we'll keep this right here. I'm an interrogator but I'm a guy you've never seen before. Never seen me in a million years! JAKE: [to Amir] He looks familiar, right? AMIR: No. JAKE: That's because he's that guy that, like, can't come up with the names. BEN: I can prove you wrong, 'cuz I have a perfectly normal name. JAKE: What's your name? BEN: ...Carrot. JAKE: That's... a normal name for a food. BEN: Thank youuuu, thank youuuu. JAKE: What's your last name? BEN: Slat. JAKE: Carrot Slat? BEN: Carrot Slat. JAKE: That's not normal. BEN: Why is that not normal? JAKE: [to Amir] Do you think that's normal? AMIR: Sometimes, I'll go someplace, and... my name's not normal. But, like, where are you from? BEN: I'm from Virginia. JAKE: What are your parents' names? [long pause] BEN: Sorry, I was thinking of that, um... Don't Worry, Be Happy song. What'd you say? [beat] Now I'm gonna ask you something; just answer honestly. AMIR: Okay. BEN: Quick one-two punch: Um, what's your favorite color? JAKE: Color... um, green. BEN: Great! Thanks so much. And did you do it? JAKE: Do what? BEN: Did you take a shit in the copier? JAKE: No. BEN: [brandishing a closed umbrella like a microphone] Amir, Amir: do you dress yourself in the morning? [holds the mic to Amir] AMIR: [as if being interviewed] Uhhhh, no I do not. BEN: [mic to himself] Ahahaha! Okay then, who does, or how do you dress yourself? [mic to Amir] AMIR: Either a relative will help me, or I will upload a video of myself-- BEN: [mic to himself] And do you have frequent bowel movements? [mic to Amir] AMIR: Frequent flyer miles? BEN: [mic to himself] Do you have frequent bowel movements? [mic to Amir] AMIR: Oh, like, do I... t-- BEN: [mic to himself] Do you take a lot of shits? [mic to Amir] AMIR: Yes. BEN: [mic to himself] Okay, cool. So, how often in a day will you take a shit? [mic to Amir] AMIR: Forty. BEN: [mic to himself] Forty shits? [mic to Amir] JAKE: Jesus Christ... AMIR: Well, sometimes I'll take, like, one or less, like thirty-nine, but yeah. Thirty-nine or forty. [to Jake] Right? BEN: Crazy! JAKE: In a day? AMIR: How much is r-- how much is good? BEN: [mic to himself] I take, like, twenty! JAKE: That's also really high. BEN: Seems pretty good to me. JAKE: Both of you guys are shitting way too much. BEN: [mic to Jake] You're shitting way too much. JAKE: I shit once a week. BEN: [mic to himself] That's way too much. JAKE: What the hell kind of interview is this? BEN: That's it. [slams the table] That's it! No more cool laid-back dude! It's all fuckin' over now! Now you get the shit! Okay? Now you get the fuckin' shit! AMIR: ...What did we have before? BEN: Oh my God... TO BE CONTINUED http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMXSNNAL6FA