Opening Sequence Amir: (Singing) You're watching Jake and Amir. Jake: Wow. Amir: Theme song! Jake: No. Amir: So. Episode (Amir walks into work wearing a bloody hospital gown (with shorts underneath)) Amir: Another day— Jake: Go back— Amir: —at the races lemme finish. Jake: Go back to the hospital. Amir: Thanks, but no thanks. I'd rather take my chances with the lung murmur, and the spleen thingamajig, and my third and fourth infected nipple. Jake: That's not intelligent. Sounds like you have a lot of health issues. Amir: You know what the big issue is? I have a fear of commitment. As in I can't commit—to getting a shot. Jake: Sounds like you're afraid of getting shots. Amir: I'm not a pussy! Jake: You're not intelligent. You have a lot of health issues and you're forgoing treatment. Amir: Okay, let me put it this way: would you let a doctor buttf**k you? Jake: That couldn't have— Amir: Answer the question. Jake: You're clearly— Amir: Would you let a doctor buttf**k you? Jake: Was that happening at your hospital? Amir: I wasn't gonna take the risk! Okay, that's why I flew over the cuckoo's nest! You're looking at one Get out of Jail Free tard [sic]. And guess what? This one? It's for real. Jake: Why tack that on at the end of the sentence? Amir: What? Both in unison: This one's for real. Amir: Yeah, it's for real! Jake: I was on board with the Get out of Jail Free tard, that was sorta clever. Amir: Yeah. Jake: But you didn't get out of jail for free. Amir: I'm not gonna let some quack in a van hack me up in a can for fifty bucks. No way, that's not me, okay? And this one's for real. Jake: Tell you what: I'm just gonna know everything you say from now on is gonna be for real. Amir: It's for real, yeah. Jake: Yeah, so don't say it anymore. Amir: Okay. Jake: I'm not saying you should let somebody hack you up in a van. Amir: Okay well, Tranlyn comes in with a fricking t— Jake: Stop, I can already tell you're having Leron's friends operate on you. Amir: Try not—try not 'perating—or noperting on me—he's not operating— Jake: Yeah I got— Amir: —try not-perat— Jake: Time's up, you're not gonna bring the pun home. Amir: I'm gonna get there, okay! Jake: You tried— Amir: I'm gonna nail it! How's that for funny? Jake: I don't think it would have been funny even if you did nail it. Amir: I was gonna nail it. Jake: No, nailing it is like getting it right the first time. Amir: Right. Jake: So there's no way you could have nailed it. Amir: Okay, well I'm sorry I'm not good with wordplay right now, but I'm kinda... I'm bleeding out, man. Jake: What? Amir: I faked the anesthesia! Yeah! I blew into the tube instead of sucking in, alright? First sign of a cut I start squealing like a pig in the mud. Jake: Oh my god. Amir: I'm down to yell Gotcha!, but turns out it hurt like a bleach. So the yolk's on me, and this time— Jake: It's for real. Yeah, okay. Amir: Exactly right. So I start picking out the IVs, right, squirting blood on the one get well card that I made for myself. How embarrassing is that? Then I leap out of the chair, knock Tranlyn's head together with a nurse's, they're concussed, and I hop out of the van unscathed. Jake: You're bleeding from so many parts of your body. Amir: I'm a little bit scathed, okay. But once I get this (Lifts up his gown to show a cut in his side) thing closed up, I'll be fine. Jake: Oh my god! No! Amir: What? It's much worse than it looks.