INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. AMIR: If the fates allow! JAKE: And they do. AMIR: Okay. [Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir scoffs at his phone.] AMIR: I should not have taught my mom how to text. Look at this message! [Amir holds his phone up for Jake to read.] JAKE: Semicolon, semicolon, asterisk, "hi Amir", question mark. Yeah, that's pretty bad. AMIR: Yeah, that's mine to her. JAKE: So then she didn't even respond. AMIR: Dumb bitch! [laughs] JAKE: ...Asshole. AMIR: Hey. That's my mother you're talking about. JAKE: I'm talking about you. You're an asshole. AMIR: Oh! Do you know these horoscope things everyone's talking about lately? JAKE: Smooth transition. What horoscope things? AMIR: About how, like, if you were born in January, that means you're a Capricorn, and so you're some type of way? JAKE: So not horoscope things, just horoscopes in general. AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: You think people are just talking about them lately, or always? AMIR: I don't know, I-- it was in the ether, but now it's starting to get to me. JAKE: Oh my God. AMIR: Honestly, I thought a lot of it was legalese Japanese mumbo-jumbo bullshit; Western medicine meets Western Union; urban garbage yoga yuppie mommy-blogger rag-mag e-zine Candyland cookie-cutter sci-fi wi-fi jai alai verbal diarrhea, but honestly, it turns out a lot of it is spiritual fact. JAKE: Got it. Cool. AMIR: When's your birthday? August 5th, 1985? JAKE: Don't pretend like you didn't know. AMIR: 2:15 PM? JAKE: That's exactly it, by the way. Good guess. AMIR: Okay. Cool, so, like, yours is, uh-- JAKE: Down to the minute. AMIR: [reading from a newspaper] "You will confront conflicts this month, but rest assured you can solve them. Maybe not, though." ...It's vintage you! JAKE: That's vintage anybody. AMIR: [holding out his hand for emphasis] No! Because the way it works is that you're a Leo, so the stars look like a lion, and it knows what you're gonna-- how you're gonna act. JAKE: Try not to learn new things. [imitating Amir, holding out his hand] The stars look like a lion, and it knows how I'm gonna act? AMIR: Yeah. They really do. They look like a lion. JAKE: Put your hand down, 'cause you're not teaching me anything, okay? It's like you read the Wikipedia for horoscopes-- I don't even think you got into astrology... [Amir shakes his head.] JAKE: No? I didn't-- didn't think so. AMIR: No way. JAKE: And then you just regurgitate everything like it's your new worldview! Your mind is so impressionable. AMIR: My mind is not impressionable! JAKE: Yes it is! AMIR: I guess it is. JAKE: God, that's fast. Even for you, that was fast. You're, like, hypnotized. Like, you'll believe anything anyone says. AMIR: [calmly] I will believe anything anyone says... [Jake pauses.] JAKE: [equally calmly] You're getting sleepy. AMIR: I'm getting... [closing his eyes] sleepy... JAKE: You're getting very sleepy. AMIR: Very sleepy, Master. JAKE: Didn't say I was your master. AMIR: Didn't have to. JAKE: Anything I say is your command. Your mind is open to my suggestion. AMIR: I am your mental slave. JAKE: ...Yes. AMIR: And thus, you are my master. JAKE: Fine. Just don't repeat it, okay? AMIR: Fine, Master. JAKE: ...When I snap my fingers, you will wake up. AMIR: Yes, Master. JAKE: And when you wake up, you will... AMIR: Cluck like a chicken. Something silly. Boy, will my face be red. JAKE: You'll throw yourself out the window. AMIR: Jesus. JAKE: That's right. When I snap my fingers, you will awaken and run out the window. AMIR: My fear is that the window will be closed and I'll break my neck on the glass. Then you'll be left to deal with me as a quadriplegic, Master. JAKE: Fine. Open the window... AMIR: Mm-hmm. JAKE: ...then jump. AMIR: No chicken. JAKE: No chicken. Just jumping. Leaping, out of a four-story window, to your death. AMIR: ...Got it. JAKE: Before you go... AMIR: Mm-hmm. JAKE: ...remember to shoot me a text. Something like... "Hey, there was nothing you could have done to stop me", et cetera. AMIR: Mm. A suicide note of sorts. Yup. JAKE: A suicide text of sorts. Indeed. So when I snap my fingers-- AMIR: Absolving you of guilt. JAKE: Exactly. AMIR: Got it. JAKE: Got it. Okay, so I'm gonna snap my fingers. Wake up, suicide text... AMIR: Chicken. JAKE: Out the window. No chicken. AMIR: No chicken. JAKE: No clucking-- you can do whatever you want on the way down. AMIR: Sure. JAKE: Just be sure to do the... you know, the important bullet points. AMIR: Absolutely. Thank you, Master. [Jake snaps.] AMIR: [waking up] Aaah. Jesus. [laughing in confusion] What happened? JAKE: I don't know, man. Just... whatever. Just chilling. AMIR: [confused, texting Jake] ...I'm texting you.... JAKE: Oh, yeah. Go for it. AMIR: ...Hmm. JAKE: [reading, frustrated] Semicolon, dollar sign, "Jake tried to kill me", sunglasses emoji, "I'm not a chicken". AMIR: [holding up the newspaper] That's right! My horoscope told me to be on the lookout for hypno-killers, and it was right! Sagittarius, motherfucker! JAKE: You're a Capricorn. AMIR: [laughing] You still tried to kill me! Little fucker! END