INTRO [A piece of paper reads "COLLEGEHUMOR'S ALL-NIGHTer 2014"; "TEN VIDEOS. ONE NIGHT!"] ALL: CollegeHumor's All-Nighter! [Jake, Pat, Elaine, and Vincent are playing Nerf basketball in the office. They are all yelling and having fun (the dialogue is indistinct). Vincent takes a shot at the net, but Amir appears and grabs the ball out of the air.] AMIR: Ohh! [Everybody stops.] AMIR: Air Jordan, fuckers! JAKE: You're not playing. AMIR: I got winner. JAKE: We're not keeping score. AMIR: Y'all are a bunch of Lisa Leslies... and I'm Rebecca Lobo! VINCENT: More like Rebecca Hobo! [Amir throws the Nerf ball forcefully at Vincent's windpipe.] VINCENT: [struggling to breathe] You killed me! [Vincent falls to the floor.] AMIR: Who else has anything to say about my personal appearance, or my persona? In fact... who here thinks I'm a persona non grata? PAT: What does that mean? [Amir throws another ball, which hits Pat in the forehead.] PAT: ...I'm dead... [Pat falls to the floor as well.] AMIR: [procuring another ball] Looks like y'all need one more. JAKE: Two more. AMIR: [tossing the ball to Jake] Take it out. I'll go Jew on one. ELAINE: Technically, it would be two on Jew. [Amir lunges at Elaine, and Jake holds him back.] JAKE: No. No, no. Dude. AMIR: Let me bite her! Let me bite her! JAKE: [shoving Amir back] Stop, dude! Stop it! AMIR: It's clear to me what's going on. I can take a hint. Y'all don't want me here. Right? JAKE: It's not a hint-- right! Of course not! We hate you. Leave! AMIR: Play me for it. JAKE: Excuse me? AMIR: The court. Play me for it. One take. One ball. One play. Winner take all. You make it, you take it. Playground rules. [Amir takes off his shirt. His abdomen is censored for some reason.] JAKE: Jesus Christ. [Vincent gets back up.] VINCENT: You know, the swelling on my larynx is actually subsiding-- [Amir throws another ball at Vincent's throat.] VINCENT: Not again! [Vincent falls back to the floor.] AMIR: [tossing yet another ball to Elaine] Come at me. [Amir runs and punches Elaine in the face.] AMIR: Ohhh! ELAINE: My schnoz! [Amir headbutts one of Jake's teeth in, and takes a shot at the net.] AMIR: Boom, baby! [The shot misses.] AMIR: Wooooo! JAKE: You missed it! AMIR: Doesn't matter! I win! JAKE: No you don't! AMIR: Playground rules! JAKE: You broke my tooth! You didn't score! [Pat gets up.] PAT: He has a point, Jake. JAKE: What are you talking about? No he doesn't! Redemption shot, from way downtown! [Jake successfully makes a shot.] AMIR: Nah. DQ. I don't think so. Flagrant. VINCENT: [getting up] Poor form, Jake. JAKE: Vinny, he almost killed you! VINCENT: It was well within the confines of the game! JAKE: No it wasn't! AMIR: Go home, Jake. PAT: Yeah. Go home, Jake. JAKE: Excuse me. VINCENT: Yeah. Go home, Jake. AMIR: Go home, Jake. [Pat, Amir, Vincent, and Elaine all chant in unison.] ALL: Go home Jake! Go home Jake! Go home Jake! JAKE: What are you doing? [Ben Schwartz appears, and joins in.] JAKE: Whoa, wait, this-- [Jake begins backing toward the door. Boom mics are visible.] ALL: Go home Jake! Go home Jake! Go home Jake! JAKE: Relax... okay. Let me leave! ALL: Go home Jake! Go home Jake! Go home Jake! Go home Jake! JAKE: C'mon. Hey-- you're breaking the fourth wall! Sam's not gonna like this! Let me leave! Sam's not gonna like this! [Jake is in Sam's office, showing him the video up until that point. Chanting can still be heard from the screen.] SAM: I don't like this. Go home, Jake. JAKE: Wait, what? END