Amir: You're watching Drake and Amir! Not hard. Jake: Not right! Amir: Barely! Amir: Okay, why do they call this a high school play? They should be calling it a high school work... 'Cause it's boring. (laughs) Jake: It hasn't started yet. Amir: Okay, I got, like, fifty more of those jokes, and if you're gonna nitpick every single one of 'em, they're almost not even worth saying. Jake: Then don't. Amir: ALMOST! ...I said. Amir: NO, DON'T GO IN THERE! Jake: Shhh... Amir: What? It's not a movie, okay? There are actual actors here; they can hear me. Jake: Exactly. Amir: Heed my advice! Jake: No... Amir: I feel like I'm directing it. Jake: Wow, bad way to feel. Amir: CUT! Sorry. Amir: Hey, which one's your cousin? I wanna heckle him. Jake: It's a girl. Amir: Then she's not your cousin! ...She's your nephew. (chuckles) Jake: You're even wrong when you're already wrong. Amir: ...That's beautiful. (takes out phone) Jake: Don't e-mail that to yourself. Hey! (reaches for phone) Amir: HEY! Amir: I don't get this at all. Jake: It's a musical. Amir: Yeah, it doesn't explain why people are randomly singing and dancing. Jake: Yes, it does! Amir: Does! Jake: It does. Amir: Yeah. [Amir has earphones in.] Jake: Hey, can you not listen to your iPod? Amir: WHAT? Jake: Shhh, wow, please stop listening to music, okay? Amir: It's not music, okay? It's a podcast. Check it. (moves earbud to Jake's ear) Jake: Yeah, it sounds like a crazy person screaming into a microphone. Amir: Yeah, that's the name of the podcast. Okay, my cousin mikes up a bunch of homeless people throughout the city and sorta just lets 'em loose. Amir: Ugh, I really have to take a dump. Jake: Then go to the bathroom. Amir: Don't tell me where to shit, man! Okay? Legit prairie doggin' it. Jake: (looking down) Oh no... Amir: (looking down) Oh yeah, he's on the loose... [Amir has his headphones in again.] Jake: Just watch the play. Amir: I am watching, okay? I'm just not listening. Amir: (singing) Go grease lightning, you're burning up the quarter mile! (talking) Smiley f— Jake: Please stop. Please stop. Amir: I'm singing along, okay? Jake: This isn't Grease. Amir: You think you're a hot shot 'cause you got a cousin? (laughs) Big whoop, you smug prick. I have twenty-seven nieces and nephews. Jake: Okay, great, just be quiet. Amir: Eleven girls, eleven boys. That's all I'll say. Jake: Thank you, just talk to me about it after the show. Please. Amir: Okay, fine. Their names are Ryan, Brian, Cryin', Fryin', and Sandra, The Little Engine That Can't. Jake: Wow, mean nickname. Amir: Yeah, she has, like, no knee, all right? She's got legit no knees, so we—we sorta discourage her from doing stuff. Amir: (singing) You are supreme! Uh, uh! The chicks will cream! Uh, uh! Man in Audience: Hey! Amir: HEY YOU! Jake: Okay... Amir: I got a kid up there, man! Jake: (restraining Amir) Stop. [The Principal is lecturing Jake and Amir.] Principal: These kids have been working their butts off for five months, and you two guys are ruining it! Amir: (makes fart noise) Oh, Principal Farley farted! (chuckles) ...Tough crowd! Yeah, we'll be quiet. [The audience is clapping at the end of the play.] Amir: BOOOO! BOOOO! BOO! ENCORE! Jake: Why encore? Amir: I wanna boo them one more time! (clapping) BOO! THE END