Opening Sequence Amir: You're watching Jake and Amir. Jake: That was good. Amir: Go to hell in a handbasket. Episode (Jake and Amir are trying to lift a dresser) Jake: Alright, one, two, three— Amir: Two, three, four, five, six, seven— Jake: One two three lift! Amir: Okay, yeah yeah. Jake: Okay? One two three— Amir: (Letting go of the dresser) Lift! You said lift with your legs. Jake: I specifically didn't say that because I knew it would confuse you. Amir: Well it did. (Amir is sitting on the dresser) Amir: Alright new plan, I sit on here, but I inspire you to lift more than you ever thought possible. Jake: Why don't you just get off. Amir: Okay, done. Jake: You're still on. Amir: Well I'm pretty high up, bro! I don't know if I can... (Tries to ease himself off, as if he's really high off the ground) One second. ONE SECOND! (Jake and Amir are carrying the dresser along) Amir: Hey maybe we should take out the drawers, it'll be a little lighter? Jake: That's actually a pretty good idea. Amir: Okay I was kidding f**ker, keep moving. (Amir is on the floor and Jake is removing one of the drawers) Amir: Ahh I got a splinter! Jake: You're not even near the dresser. Amir: I got it up from the carpet. (Jake is carrying the dresser and Amir is playing a guitar) Amir: (Singing) Fix everything by just being here. Jake: So you're done helping? Amir: I am helping, in a different way. Jake: You're the one that said this needed to be out of here by 5 PM if we wanted to throw it away. Amir: (Singing) Fine. Jake: Fine. Put the guitar down. Amir: (Singing) Okay. Jake: Now. Amir: (Singing) Sure. (Not singing) Last minute? Jake: Down. Amir: Okay. (Both are carrying the dresser) Amir: Woah, nice shirt cowboy. I wish I knew how to quit you. Jake: Are you gay, man? Amir: What? Jake: I just—I gotta ask. Amir: I don't even remember what I said, let alone what gay means. (Back to the scene where Jake is removing a drawer and Amir has a splinter from the carpet) Amir: (Holding up his finger) Come kiss it. (Amir is lying under the dresser) Amir: Woah! Little help? Little help? Jake: You said you could benchpress it. Amir: Yeah, I can, okay? With a little help. So... little help? (Both are carrying the dresser) Amir: Ah, dude, you owe me so big for this. Jake: You're the one that asked me to help you. Amir: I knew you'd throw that back in my face, that is so like you. Jake: Not throwing anything in your face— (Amir shoves the dresser into Jake so it hits his crotch) Amir: C'mon. C'mon! I was kidding. I was kidding! (Jake is carrying the dresser and Amir is walking in front of him) Amir: Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Try to touch my hands. Try to— Jake: It's not helping! Amir: Okay but is it hurting? Jake: Y—yes! (Amir kicks the dresser into Jake's crotch again) (Amir is under the dresser again) Jake: I leave for a second, you try to benchpress it again. Amir: No. Oh my god it feels like my nose is bleeding, even though I know it's not. Jake: Uh no, it just started. Amir: Yeah, a lot. Jake: Yeah, wow. (Jake is carrying the dresser and Amir is coming in holding and eating a pizza) Amir: Hey hey hey, sorry sorry sorry. (Bites a pizza slice) Sorry sorry sorry. There's— Jake: What are you—? Amir: (Spits out the pizza) There's free pizza in the kitchen. So. Well, there was free pizza. Jake: Come on! Amir: Alright. (Moves to help pick up the dresser) Ready ready ready? Jake: Swallow it first at least. (Jake puts the dresser down at the elevator) Amir: And donesauce. Pat: Woah, woah! What are you guys doing with my dad's antique dresser? Amir: Woah, woah. You just got punked my Jake and Amir, BITCH! Jake, run! Jake: No.