INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. AMIR: Not for long! JAKE: Why? AMIR: 'Cause the videos are short. [Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir does not have a computer. He tugs at his hoodie and wiggles his eyebrows at Jake.] JAKE: No computer at all today, huh? [Amir shakes his head.] JAKE: Why even come in? AMIR: I can work from my phone. [feels for a phone in his pocket, to no avail] ...Shit. JAKE: Nice. [A woman comes over briefly to hand Amir a manila envelope. Amir notices and begins laughing giddily.] AMIR: [opening the envelope] They're here, they're here! Help me choose a headshot! JAKE: Don't act giddy like I'm gonna be excited about helping you choose a headshot. AMIR: I just want your opinion! JAKE: My opinion is you suck. AMIR: About the headshots, idiot! [laughing] You should have let me finish! Now you look like a fool! JAKE: Why do you need headshots? You have a job. You have a salary. Health insurance. AMIR: I want to be a famous! Ass! A star is born? Nah... a star is corn! [Amir holds up a picture of himself dressed as an ear of corn with big cartoon gloves.] JAKE: What a dumb headshot, buddy. AMIR: Please don't call these dumb. Okay? I spent, like, a bad amount of money on these. JAKE: Any amount of money you spent on those would be a bad amount of money, considering you're not an actor and you don't need them. AMIR: I have an audition today! [Jake raises his eyebrows. Amir grins silently at him.] AMIR: Wow! Suddenly, Jake's-- actually, this is perfect! [handing a fork and a knife to Jake] I'll give you a fork and a knife so you can eat your words. And, in addition to those-- JAKE: [taking the fork and knife] God, these are nice. AMIR: --I have a napkin... where the French is it? I don't want you to spill the words-- JAKE: Did you bring this cutlery to work just to make me do this? AMIR: Where the fff-- is it, dude? JAKE: [putting down the fork and knife] It doesn't matter where the napkin is, okay? What's the role? AMIR: The role is of a paralegal, in the film "Steinberg and Ginsberg". JAKE: Are you sure you don't mean firm Steinberg and Ginsberg? And the role is just an office job that you're not qualified for? AMIR: Every interview in this town is an audition. In this town. JAKE: Nice, dude. Give it to me. [Amir hands Jake the headshots. On top is one of Amir shirtless, wearing jeans low enough on his hips that his pubic hair is visible, albeit censored.] JAKE: Yikes. Way too revealing. Right? I mean, at least you had the decency to blur your pubes. AMIR: [sadly] No, they're just blurry. JAKE: You grow blurry pubic hair? AMIR: I think so, yeah. They're mosaic. JAKE: [holding up a picture of Amir with Terry Richardson] Sorry, did Terry Richardson take these? AMIR: Actually, they were taken by a Brazilian photographer. [grabbing the headshots back] Nunya? Ever heard of him? JAKE: Nunya Business? AMIR: No, Nunya Luiz Ricardio. He's actually pretty famous in Rio. JAKE: Do something else with your life. [Amir is suddenly holding a colorful and simplistic painting with two stick figures.] AMIR: Been painting recently! Nothing too crazy, just some abstract pieces. Trying to open up my own gallery. JAKE: That's crazy! Of course that's crazy. Trying to open up your own gallery when you have a job, and... you're not very good at painting! AMIR: Subjective. JAKE: You're so fast at being dumb. Why don't you just try to harness that power for good, instead of... stupidity? AMIR: [holding a plate of burnt cookies] Been baking recently! JAKE: Quick. Burned. AMIR: Yeah, nothing too crazy. Just, uh, applying for grants to open up my own patisserie/gallery. JAKE: Bad business idea. Bad you. Just stop acting, stop painting, stop baking. It's a waste of time, money, and I think effort, though it seems like you don't try very hard at anything. AMIR: [holding up a napkin folded into an origami swan] Found your napkin! JAKE: That one's pretty good. AMIR: Nothing too crazy, just some, uh... oregano. JAKE: Origami. AMIR: Roach! JAKE: It's a swan. AMIR: Ass! END