Opening Sequence Amir: Jake, Amir, you're watching us— Jake: Can I just do it myself? Amir: Yes. Episode Amir: Wow... Notice anything different about me? Jake: You got your cyst drained! Amir: What?! (Checks his cyst) No, haha, ow, no no no it's still here. And it's hardened. Ow. Jake: Yeah, I know. I can see it from the front, so I was just kinda reminding you that you should get it drained. Amir: Yeah I got this badboy (taps his headset). This molds to the contour of my head. Jake: So does your cyst. Amir: No. Jake: Yeah. Amir: It's like a golf ball, it's growing on top of it. Jake: Okay well I'm just saying not to ignore it. Amir: I'm not ignor—you're ignoring thist! (Touches headset) So I insist, that you stop. Jake: How much was the headset? Amir: Doesn't matter. It's not yours, I don't see why you care. Jake: You just asked me to talk to you about it. Okay, I'm making conversation about the headset. Amir: I just don't get why the second I get something as chill as a headset you're all up in my snatch about it. Jake: You begged me repeatedly to talk to you about it. I don't know why you bought one because you never get calls. Amir: Correction, never get calls. Jake: That's what I said. Amir: Never got calls, then. Jake: What are you talking about? Amir: It's called I wanted people to call me on my new headset so I left my phone number in a gas station bathroom, okay? But I didn't want to soft sell it so I wrote For a good time, call: in lipstick above it. (Subvocalizing) Wow! Jake: It's not called that. Don't say it's called this, like it's a thing other people do— (Amir gets a call) Amir: Hello? Jake: Gotta change that ringtone. Amir: I'm wearing a shirt, I guess. Uh, yeah I'm hard, and it is a little wet. How did you even know I had a cyst? Jake: Hang up man. Amir: Hello? Hello? (To Jake) Anyway where were we? Oh right I remember where you were, 100%, firmly placed, inside of, my snatch. Jake: Stop saying snatch. Who just called you? Amir: None of your bitchness. Jake: It actually is my bitchness because you're running a phone sex hotline at work—and now my phone's ringing. Did you post my number too? Amir: I don't think... no. Jake: Okay well it's coming from an area code that I don't recognize. Amir: 732? Jake: Yeah. Amir: Jersey. I mean, is it? Jake: Okay well, yeah, well I guess you spend a lot of time in New Jersey on the weekends. Amir: Sometimes I spend gas station time there, but like nothing more than that. Jake: Okay, well I'm going to know if you posted my number if I answer this and it's somebody that I don't know asking me what I'm wearing. Amir: Which is why I swear to god that I didn't leave your phone number. Jake: (Talking on the phone) Hello? (Hangs up) Yeah. That guy's jerking off. Amir: I left your phone number. I just remembered and I wanted to come clean because the idea of me not telling you was eating me up inside. I just thought you wanted some company while you were all up in my sand. Jake: That's not what you were saying before man. Amir: I forgot it for half a second but then I remembered it: my sa... Jake: It was snatch. Amir: Dammit, no. It wasn't that, but you get the prize for getting it the closest. Jake: That was it. Amir: No, that wasn't it. I already gave you the prize, stop lobbying for more. (Gets a call) Hello? Uh... I don't know why don't you ask Jake what it smells like, he's currently in it. (To Jake) He's asking me about my— Jake: Snatch. Amir: Snatch, yeah. Jake: Got it.