INTRO AMIR: I vant to suck y-- JAKE: You're watching Jake and Amir. AMIR: ...Ass! [Jake is sitting on a couch. Amir comes in, dressed as Psy.] AMIR: Oppa Halloween Style! [There is a long, awkward silence. Amir and Jake then begin talking simultaneously.] AMIR: How do you not love me? How am I not adorable in this? / JAKE: Get out. Get out! Get out! AMIR: [dressed as Supermen, pointing into the distance] It's a bird! It's a place! No, it's Superman! JAKE: "It's a bird, it's a place"? AMIR: It's Superman. AMIR: [in the Psy costume] I'm so serious, man. Oppa leads, like, a Halloween-style Gangnam life and you have no love for it? Like... how is that good for Oppa? JAKE: I don't care what's "good for Oppa". AMIR: Oppa sad. Alright? Oppa leads a... a sad-style life. JAKE: Yeah? AMIR: Yeah, he really does. JAKE: Yeah? AMIR: [in a Ben Franklin costume] I have a dream... JAKE: That's a Ben Franklin costume, man. AMIR: What? No, I thought this was George W! JAKE: You crammed so much wrong into so few words. AMIR: ...Thank you. JAKE: How do you think that's a compliment? AMIR: [in a zombie costume] Do you know why I like to eat brains? JAKE: ...'Cause you don't have one? 'Cause your idea of cool is either mean-spirited or dumb, and deep down, you probably hate yourself more than anybody hates you? AMIR: ...'Cause I'm a zombie! [Amir, in the Superman costume, leans over to hug Jake.] JAKE: Nope. [Amir brings his arm outwards.] AMIR: I'm stretching. JAKE: You weren't. AMIR: [in the Psy costume, laughing] Oppa... Oppa leads a suicidal-style life... JAKE: Why are you laughing right now? AMIR: Oppa is confused of himself. AMIR: [in a skeleton costume] So this one kind of works as, like, a two-person costume. JAKE: How? AMIR: Skeleton guy, and, uh... whatever the hell you want to wear! [chuckles] JAKE: How is that a two-person costume? AMIR: Oh my God, you're calling me out on all my bullshit today. And I love you for it! [laughs, kisses Jake's head] What are you, on your period or something? JAKE: You know, your crotch is bleeding. AMIR: Aw, shit! Ass! AMIR: [dressed as a giant hand making the "shocker" gesture, singing] Isn't she shocking, yeah! JAKE: Why all the costumes? AMIR: It's Halloween, ass. [Amir is off-screen.] JAKE: No! Are you insane? Go home; take that costume off right now! You're going to get shot! AMIR: Jesus. JAKE: Yes! Jesus! Exactly! Wipe it off! Shower! AMIR: [in the shocker costume] Ass! AMIR: [in a Psy costume with pirate accessories] Oppa Pirate Style! JAKE: That's perfect. Go with it-- AMIR: N'yarrrrrrrr, sexy lady! N'yopp! N'yopp! N'yopp! N'yopp! N'yopp! N'yopp! N'yopp! N'yopp! N'yopp! N'yopp! N'yopp! N'yopp! N'yopp! N'yopp! N'yopp! N'yopp! [Jake grabs Amir's throat.] END