INTRO JAKE: You're watching Jake and Amir. AMIR: Now, let a real maestro try it. JAKE: No. AMIR: Okay. (Jake's on the phone, alone). JAKE: Alright, well, just- (Amir walks in and sits down, wearing a penguin costume...yes, the penguin costume from the 4th of July episode) AMIR: Costume number one. (Jake puts down the phone) JAKE: Jesus Christ, man. You've been missing for two days. You can't just show up and say costume number one. AMIR: Pros: It's cute. I can pee in it. JAKE: We thought you were dead. (Amir's in denim and a cowboy hat) AMIR: (like John Wayne) This one's pretty playful, partner, but I'm worried it's too masculine. JAKE: I wouldn't worry about that. (Amir's in the penguin costume) JAKE: We called your parents, who said good riddance. I'm sorry that you had to hear that from me. (Amir's wearing a rooster costume) AMIR: Sure, this costume is a little corny...but I like it. (Amir does a weird laugh, like a cackle) JAKE: Do you think you're in a corn costume? (Amir's wearing an Indian headdress) JAKE: Where were you man? For two days, you were just, you vanished. (Amir's still in the rooster costume) AMIR: Sorry, can you talk into my good ear. (Amir does the cackle laugh again) JAKE: You're NOT in a corn costume. (Amir takes off the rooster head covering) AMIR: Okay, well, it's freaking dark in that closet, man. I can't see anything. (Amir's in a fireman costume) AMIR: I'm one cock-a-doodle-dude. JAKE: You changed out of the rooster costume? AMIR: What?! (Amir takes off the fireman's helmet and looks at it) AMIR: Oh, f**k me! (Amir's in a sheet with holes in it. His glasses are over the sheet. The sheet's lopsided and the holes don't match his glasses/eyes) AMIR: Boo!! Uh heh heh. JAKE: Look in the mirror and tell me if you think you look scary. (Amir looks to his left) AMIR: AUGH! I'M GONNA DIE!! (Amir's in a peapod costume) AMIR: This one's a little corny...but I like it. JAKE: Still no. AMIR: What?? No! No! JAKE: You're not corn, you're peas. AMIR: Peas?? I'm peas! (Amir's wearing scrubs) AMIR: You've just been diagnosed with bein' a bitch. JAKE: We've been planning your funeral for an hour. (Amir's in a Count Chocula costume) AMIR: Yeah, I might be a little corny - JAKE: Don't do this, cuz you know you're the Count! You came in and said I vant to suck your chocolate. AMIR: -but I like it. (Amir's wearing a polka-dot dress) JAKE: Bad costume. AMIR: What costume? Okay, this is my shirt. JAKE: That's a dress. AMIR: Nooo, it's not. JAKE: Stand up. (Amir stands up) AMIR: (sounding like he's proving Jake wrong) Ohhhh (suddenly realizes he's wearing a dress) Oh. (Amir's in a Count Chocula costume) (Amir's getting physical with Jake, as Jake tries to get away) AMIR: Let me suck your chocolate! JAKE: Stop...dude...you have to rela- AMIR: You...don't tell me to freakin' relax. (Jake punches Amir) (Amir is in a corn costume) JAKE: You know you finally have it, and you just blew it. AMIR: What are you talking about? JAKE: Look in the mirror. You're corn. AMIR: Oh, no! I thought I was an ear of butter!