INTRO JAKE: You're watching Jake and Amir, and why are you calling me? AMIR: To talk! AMIR: Sorry, who are we waiting for? JAKE: Nobody, he's here. BEN: Hi. AMIR: Ahh! BEN: (opens arms) Welcome, to my office. AMIR: This is your office? BEN: No, come on. AMIR: (imitates hand motion) But, you went like that. BEN: (points to elbows) I was just stretching these parts of my arms. AMIR: The elbows? BEN: I don't know what they're called, but I was stretching them. AMIR: In addition to the movement, you said welcome to my office. BEN: I don't remember what I said, who knows what I said, Jake brought me here. JAKE: I didn't bring you here. BEN: You sure did. I was holding like 30 bags of Funyuns and I couldn't get into my pockets again. So you took out your security card. (Jake shakes his head) No, right? I brought me here. (winks) AMIR: What was that? BEN: That was a wink. AMIR: You winked at Jake. BEN: Yeah, because Jake brought me here. JAKE: Come on BEN: Listen, I'm the head of H.R., right? (Jake nods) And the reason I am here is to deal with your terrible, terrible smell. AMIR: You look so familiar. BEN: I don't think so. AMIR: What is your? Sorry, I was still talking, what is your name? BEN: My name? Is that what you want to know? (AMIR: Yeah.) Because I'm a totally different person that you've ever seen. My name is...Fm-mm... FLASHBACK JAKE: Most important rule when we're in there: If he asks you your name, don't hesitate. BEN: I never hesitate, I'm amazing at thinking of new names. JAKE: No, you're not that good. BEN: I'm amazing, unique names. JAKE: Alright, practice. What's your name? BEN: My name is Qu-Qu-Crowlidit-Cowlideen? San. JAKE: See, this is a good example of stuttering, making up a name. BEN: Mmmm... JAKE: This is not good, Ok, think of a name before we go in, that's all I'm saying. BEN: I got one, I got one in my back pocket. I just memorized it. JAKE: What is it? BEN: My name? JAKE: Yeah? BEN: Se-Shannon-Shoonith? JAKE: Then you didn't just memorize it, Ok, look, if you need to, just use the name, Jim. Ok? BEN: Not gonna have to. JAKE: Alright, but just in case you can't think of something- BEN: Don't think of a just in case, I'll just use what I got. JAKE: Alright, what's your name? BEN: My name? Ask me what my name is. JAKE: I just did. What is your name. BEN: Ask me my name? AMIR: I just did. I said, what's your name? BEN: My name is... Shhhsscaal- JAKE: Jim! BEN: Nope. I know what my name is. My name is Scalby...Scalby-Lawfsoos. AMIR: Scalby-Lawfsoos? BEN: is my fist name, my last name is... Jim. JAKE: Can we talk about what we came here to talk about? BEN: Yeah, absolutely. Amir, you stink. Ugh, you stink. AMIR: At what? BEN: At just smelling bad. AMIR: So I smell good? BEN: Yuck, I messed that up. I messed that up. There's only one thing to do. (standing up) Jake, I'm going rogue. FLASHBACK JAKE: Ok, just promise me one thing. Don't go rogue. BEN: I don't even know what that means, what does it mean to go rogue? JAKE: That's good, don't worry about it. Just don't stray. Ok? BEN: Hey, don't worry. This Joe won't be Rogen. JAKE: That was bad. BEN: Seth won't be Rogen. JAKE: Even worse, Ok, just stay on topic, is what I'm saying. JAKE: Don't go rogue! BEN: It's too late, I'm roguein' right now. JAKE: You said you didn't even know what it meant! BEN: I said a lot of things, I ate all those Funyuns, I didn't throw them out. You ready? Take off your clothes. JAKE: (Amir starts taking shirt off) Hey, hey, stop, look. If he blindly follows your instructions, just tell him to shower. BEN: I can't do that, this is way smarter. JAKE: (standing up) Ok, I'm gonna go. BEN: No, don't go, this is the best part! AMIR: Jake! JAKE: (tries to turn handle) We're locked in. BEN: (gasps) AMIR: (gasps) JAKE: (gasps) AMIR: (pause, laughs) BEN: Huh! JAKE: Ugh. AMIR: (farts) BEN: (signature Ben Scwartz whale-laugh) THE END