INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. This one's for all the pretty girls out there. AMIR: Creep. JAKE: What? (Jake and Amir are at a bar for the entire episode) AMIR: Feels kinda weird. JAKE: Don't worry about it, man. Hooking up with babes is like second nature to me. AMIR: I know, I just, I haven't kissed anybody since you killed my girlfriend. JAKE: Drop it, okay? You can't poison tonight with your negative energy. JAKE: (to GIRL #1) You know, I always said a woman's place was in the kitchen...as the head chef...at a 5-star restaurant. GIRL #1: Idiot. (walks away) AMIR: (to GIRL #1 as she walks away) You heard him! Get back in the kitchen, ya idiot! JAKE: No, no AMIR: (to GIRL #2) Hey girl, are you Enterprise? Cuz I'll pick you up. (GIRL #2 laughs) (Amir tries to pick her up from her legs and she screams and falls back and hits the ground. She starts moaning.) AMIR: More like Hertz, I guess. JAKE: Call an ambulance. AMIR: I will! JAKE: (Talking about a girl off-screen to his right) Hey dude, 3 o'clock. AMIR: Oh yeah? am or pm? JAKE: Doesn't matter. AMIR: Well, analog or digital? Cuz I can't read analog. JAKE: You know, then it really doesn't matter. AMIR: Well, is it the hour hand or the minute hand? JAKE: Just, forget it. AMIR: Very cool! JAKE: It's to the right. (Amir turns left) JAKE: Other right. (Amir turns left again) JAKE: Wow! (Amir keeps turning until he faces the direction the girl off-screen was in) AMIR: Oh. She is hot. JAKE: She's gone. AMIR: Ooh yeah, she is...gone! JAKE: Leave the bar, buddy. AMIR: Absolutely. (Amir starts walking) JAKE: Door's the other way. (Amir turns around and starts walking) AMIR: OHMYGOD I'm an idiot! (GIRL #1 that Amir made fall is on the bar.) BARTENDER: (on the phone) She's not conscious but she's breathing, yeah. AMIR: (Yelling to people off-screen and pointing to the unconscious girl) Hey, body shots! AMIR: (to GIRL # 3) Excuse me, are you a Capital One card? Cuz, what's in YOUR wallet? (GIRL #3 walks away, disgusted) JAKE: Nice. AMIR: She must not watch commercials. That's not on me. It's a product of the DVR culture that we live in! JAKE: (to GIRL #4) Hey...I made a bet with my friend here. GIRL #4: What's the bet? AMIR: Fuck if I know. JAKE: He bet me I couldn't talk to the prettiest girl here - AMIR: Oh, I most certainly did not, I do not wager. JAKE: shhh - and get her number. AMIR: Bull shite! GIRL #4: I'm gonna go. (GIRL #4 walks away) AMIR: (to GIRL #4 as she walks away) Please do! This entire conversation is based on a false premise! (to Jake) Woah...swing and a diss. Heh heh. Was that wager for real, though? Cuz if so, you owe me a G. AMIR: (to GIRL #5) Girl, are you a Volkswagon? Cuz, drivers wanted! (GIRL #5 walks away) AMIR: (to GIRL #5 as she walks away) Wow...another DVR girl...(shouting after girl) you can't fast forward through life! (GIRL #6 is the same girl that Jake hit on in line in the episode Club) GIRL #6: So...I will make out with you. JAKE: Awesome. GIRL #6: Keep in mind, I will not like it! JAKE: Fine. Fine. GIRL #6: AND you have to put your wallet in this jar of pickles. JAKE: Oh wow, I'll just cancel my credit cards. Bet you didn't think of that, dumb ass. (Jake puts his wallet in the jar of pickles) GIRL #6: AND your Iphone. JAKE: Whew...you know what, that's almost a deal-breaker. Oh, wait, no it's not! (Jake dips the Iphone in the jar of pickles) GIRL #6: Submerge it. JAKE: Submerge it for second base. GIRL #6: Okay, submerge it, and I'll let you kiss my hand. (Jake lets the Iphone fall, and kisses Girl #6's hand) JAKE: Worth it! (Jake high-fives Amir and laughs a little) JAKE: I hooked up! I hooked up! JAKE: Barkeep, come on, I need a bag of rice, stat! I have to get my phone in rice in the next two minutes or she's a goner. I know, cuz I've lost 6 other Iphones to that cruel mistress. (to GIRL #7) JAKE: Hey, if you think this is sad, you should read my diary. Every single day reads like a fucking suicide note. GIRL #7: Me too. JAKE: Yeeesh. Hey, I'm engaged, sweetheart. AMIR: (to GIRL #8 and GIRL #9) Hey, who do you ladies think is better looking? Me, or my boy over here. JAKE: No, sorry, you know what? Don't answer that. Cuz either you guys are gonna tell the truth and hurt HIS feelings, or lie and hurt mine. GIRL #8: It's him [Amir]. And I'm not lying. JAKE: Congratulations, friend, what's your name? What's your number? (Silence) JAKE: You know what, you have the least popular opinion in the bar. GIRL #8 (to GIRL #9): Who do you think is better looking? GIRL #9: Glasses. [Amir] JAKE: Yeah, fucking right! How so?? How so?? AMIR: You're wrong. JAKE: (to GIRL #6) This has been the highlight of my year. What a ride. Come here. (Jake puts his arm around Girl #6's shoulders and pulls her in) GIRL #6: Oh! JAKE: Can you, sorry, don't make that noise, cuz it makes me feel like shit. (Amir walks on-screen, his shirt all orange) AMIR: Okay, bad news bears, I think we have to go, as I was pepper sprayed just now, not once, but thrice in what I thought was a unisex bathroom. JAKE: Don't worry, buddy. Happens to me all the time. (to bartender) Hey, barkeep, we need a glass of whole milk. Okay, my friend here just had his mace cherry popped. BARTENDER: Yeah, you guys gotta leave. JAKE: Okay, absolutely understandable. I already hooked up tonight. (to Amir) That burns your nostrils if you inhale it, dude.