INTRO AMIR: Hey, you're watching a very green episode of Jake and Amir! JAKE: Nice one. AMIR: What? [Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir has a pair of shears, and is trimming a large potted plant.] JAKE: So you're not even pretending that you do work for the company anymore? AMIR: Work is fun, but I've actually been pretty into hobbies recently, horticulture being the latest. I like... masturbating and shrimp quite a bit. JAKE: One of those is a hobby. The other is jerking off, and the third is just a sea creature. AMIR: Masturbating might actually be my favorite. [chuckles] JAKE: Yeah. AMIR: Do we have, um... a hose? JAKE: Why don't you just do your work, for the day? AMIR: [pointing the shears at Jake] Sorry, can I ask you-- how much a week do you spend on produce? JAKE: Don't point the s-- AMIR: [waving the shears wildly at Jake as he points] I'm serious. How much a week do you spend on produce? JAKE: Alright. Doesn't look like you have a good grip on the shears there, so don't-- [Amir drops the shears on his desk] yeah, don't gesticulate with them like that. AMIR: [picking up the shears, pointing them at Jake again] I really want to know, dude! JAKE: Ten bucks. AMIR: Wow! ...Really! That's... that's nothing! ...Where do you shop? JAKE: How much did you spend on gardening supplies? [There is a long, awkward silence.] JAKE: See, at this point, I know whatever you say is a lie-- AMIR: Nine. JAKE: --'cause you spent-- AMIR: Bucks. JAKE: --too long. AMIR: Dude. [Jake stares incredulously at Amir, who waggles his eyebrows at Jake.] AMIR: You know what? I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize for having a green thumb! [Amir gives Jake a thumbs-up. His thumb is a sickly green color.] JAKE: Oh! Too green! That's infected! AMIR: [emptying a bag of fertilizer onto his desk and laptop] Believe it or not, I'm actually growing the ingredients one would need to make a salad! JAKE: I don't believe that-- hey, man, that smells awful. AMIR: It's, uh, basil, ficus... manure... JAKE: ...Terrible salad. AMIR: Yeah. A lot of salads actually taste like shit, but I hear they're pretty good for you. Here, look. [Amir shoves a handful of manure into his mouth.] JAKE: Ohh, don't! Dude, no! AMIR: [through a mouthful of manure] This one tastes like horse manure, actually! JAKE: That actually is horse manure! AMIR: [with his mouth full] Sure tastes like it! [chuckles] JAKE: It is it! AMIR: [chewing the manure, slightly taken aback] ...What are you talking about, man? JAKE: Fertilizer, idiot! You're eating fertilizer! AMIR: [with his mouth full] And? JAKE: And it's shit! You're eating shit! AMIR: [yelling, still with his mouth full] So why didn't you say so! JAKE: [yelling] I did! I am! AMIR: [yelling through manure] Before I ate it, idiot! JAKE: [yelling] Why haven't you spit it out yet? AMIR: [swallowing most of the manure] Because it's good for ya, see? JAKE: ...Jesus. AMIR: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have some shrimp. [Amir holds up a bowl of shrimp.] AMIR: [drooling, grabbing a shrimp] And if you need me, I'll be in the men's room! JAKE: You can't masturbate in the office. AMIR: Very well, then! END