Amir: Hey, you're not watching Jake and Amir! Jake: What? Amir: Reverse psychology. Jake: It's not. Amir: It is! [Jake and Amir approach each other when Amir suddenly throws red liquid onto Jake's sweater.] Amir: Fur is murder! Jake: Son of a bitch, I'm not wearing any fur. Amir: Oh, please... Jake: You're wearing fur! You're wearing a lot of fur! Fur coat! Fur hat! That's!”Yeah, that's a mink scarf! [Amir bobs up and down.] I see it! Amir: I didn't kill these animals! Jake: You know, there's also a dead iguana in your pocket. [Camera pans down to pocket iguana, then back to Amir.] Amir: ...Or am I just happy to see you. Jake: It's a dead iguana. Amir: I'm also happy to see you! Jake: What animals do you think I killed to make this sweater? Amir: It doesn't matter; you know why? (raises Jakes arm) 'Cause there's blood on your hands! Jake: (lowers arm) Paint. Amir: No, that's!”that's actually possum blood; I'm sorry. Jake: Oh my god... Amir: What, do you want me to pay for the dry cleaning!”all right, how much do I owe you? (throws bills) One hundred? Two hundred? Take the frickin' money. Three hundred? Jake: Stop it! Your wallet is a dead rat! Amir: Oh! Very clever! Har, har, har! Jake: I'm not trying to be clever; it looks like you cut open a dead rat. Maybe it was alive when you did it, and then you filled it with bloody money. Amir: (in a British accent) Bloody money! Bloody money! You're not British, man! [Pause, then Jake pushes Amir.] OH! [Jake grabs Amir.] AH! [Jake pushes Amir away.] UH! Jake: All right, you know what? I wanna know why you did this; walk me through your logic. Take your time. I will not interrupt you. Amir: It's actually kinda silly. (laughs) I woke up late!” Jake: You're an asshole. Amir: Whoa! You said you wouldn't interrupt me! Jake: You know what I think happened? I think you got into the idea of owning fur after some weird conversation you had with your cousin Leron or some strange show you saw on TV. You became fur-obsessed, going on a morbid spending spree. And when you ran out of acceptable animals to wear on your body, your blood-thirsty raid took you to the deep, dark corners of the animal wear/ware kingdom, like that pocket iguana or your rat wallet. Either way, you reek of mink and rat blood! So go home! (pause) Amir: Can I talk? Jake: No. Amir: Are you done? Jake: No, you can go home. Amir: Can I speak now!” Jake: You know, why don't you at least admit that you're hot in that jacket right now? Amir: I'm boiling. Maybe I can join you in your ivory tower for just a couple minutes, and that'll help me cool off. Or I can hop upon your high horse, and we can go for a ride! You know what? I got this idea from having a conversation with my cousin Leron, not from a "television show," as you astutely observed. Jake: You know, I also said that. That was my first guess. Amir: Secondly, yeah! I became fur-obsessed! You know, it's my nature to take things too far; some people love me for that. Jake: Nobody loves you.. for anything. Amir: (pretend stabs heart) OH! Jake: No, that did hurt you; I know it. Amir: A little bit, yes, because I didn't think you'd get that personal. Jake: Just move on. Amir: I became blood-hungry! Sure, who wouldn't? And who wouldn't feel a little bit guilty after strangling a scared iguana? Obviously, animals can't... (laughs) talk! But this little guy was begging me with his eyes for mercy. I don't know if you've ever seen an iguana cry before, but I know for a fact that I have. Jake: Can you stop talking about strangling the iguana? Amir: And as for your last point, I think I will go home as this has turned into a public shaming of me! Adieu! Jake: Are you wearing dead doves on your feet? Amir: THEY'RE RAVENS. Jake: They're white. Amir: THEY'RE... DOVES. THE END