INTRO AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and something smells fishy! JAKE: It's you. AMIR: Ha ha, yeah. [Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir holds up a scroll.] JAKE: No. No. [Jake begins throwing things from his desk at Amir. Amir uses the scroll to deflect them as he unrolls it.] JAKE: Hey. Hey. No. Stop it. AMIR: [deflecting a pad of Post-it notes] "Top Ten Fish to Fry", by Rodrigo O! [enunciating "O" as a strange moan] JAKE: Was that noise your new last name? AMIR: Yes. JAKE: Why, oh why are interested in frying fish? AMIR: "Number ten: Could I borrow a pen?" [deflecting a pen] "So I could write down the name of this fish, ya bish! Makes girls sad, squirrels mad, and men grin! Look no further than the almighty... penguin." JAKE: Not a fish. AMIR: Not a bird! JAKE: You think anything that's not a bird is a fish? [Amir nods.] And yes, it is. It's a flightless bird. AMIR: That's a fightless turd. [Jake is speechless.] AMIR: "Number nine: a sashimi is fine. You don't have to fry your really old dish. Just go to McDonald's and get a Filet-O-Fish. JAKE: So what are you saying? The number nine fish to fry is a...? AMIR: It's a sashimi. JAKE: So not frying a fish, but then getting a fried fish-- AMIR: Um, yeah, a Filet-O-Fish. JAKE: --at McDonald's. AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: What? AMIR: "Number eight: Fill your plate. When this fat fish died, we ate catfish, fried! But don't let this mustachian fool you. This fish is all woman... and a crustacean drool cube." JAKE: ...How are you getting dumber? AMIR: Excuse? JAKE: Stop saying that. I've asked you. AMIR: ...Fair. "Number seven: A Bacon named Kevin. That's right, this Footloose star has gone too far! I say we dip him in oil, and serve him to a horde of angry fans." JAKE: That's cannibalism! AMIR: Excuse? JAKE: You know what? Forget it. What has Kevin Bacon done that's gone too far? ...Please just done your work. AMIR: "Done your work"! JAKE: "Do your work," I said. AMIR: [doing a Southern accent] "Done your work!" JAKE: Done your work. Do your work. AMIR: [still doing an accent] "Hey, you over there! Let's all done our work--" JAKE: Okay, I misspoke. You just said "crustacean drool cube", on purpose. [Amir quietly turns his attention to the scroll.] JAKE: Back to the list. AMIR: "Number six: Put your halibut on sticks. No need to fry it; that's bad for your diet. Not to mention it'll clog your arteries, and make you smell like a fartery. Pee-yew." [pause, then, pronouncing "PU"] "Poo." JAKE: "Pee-yew, poo". [Amir chuckles.] JAKE: So twice on this list of top ten fish to fry, you've suggested not frying the fish. Once, you suggested we fry and eat Kevin Bacon-- AMIR: [simultaneously] Kevin Bacon. JAKE: I mean, what is wrong with you? [Amir doesn't respond.] This is so bizarre. Why is this our interaction? It's come to this. AMIR: "Number--" JAKE: You've run out of ideas, haven't you. AMIR: "Number five..." JAKE: You really have. AMIR: "Number five". "Number five is Ryan Gosling, starred in Drive--" JAKE: So you want to fry and eat him as well. AMIR: [holding out his hand to interrupt Jake] Jumping to conclusions. "What was his favorite fried fish, at the craft services table?" JAKE: ...I don't know! AMIR: Do you not? ...Neither do I. I was hoping you'd, uh... [making a hopping motion with his hand] ...jump in right there with that. JAKE: Are you kidding me? What a weird hand motion. [Amir makes the motion a few more times. It looks progressively less like jumping.] JAKE: ...God, I hate your fingers. AMIR: Never matter. It's probably, like, lox or something. JAKE: Not a fried fish. AMIR: You think Gosling eats fried fish? Ya fucking idiot, he's an Adonis! JAKE: You said! You said, "What's his favorite fried fish?" AMIR: Gosling's on a strict no-fried-fish diet. You know it, I know it-- JAKE: Now you know what he eats. AMIR: --the American people know it. JAKE: A second ago, you had no idea what he ate. Now you know whether he doesn't eat fried fish. AMIR: "Number four..." JAKE: So why'd you include him on the list? AMIR: "Drop your bass to the floor!" [singing to the tune of "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj] "My big piranha don't want naan unless you fry that bun! Oh my cod. Look at that cut. Oh my cod. I like halibut--" [Jake throws a pencil at Amir. Amir doesn't deflect it. The pencil stabs him in the throat and stays there.] JAKE: ...Holy shit. AMIR: "Number three: Is it dim in here, or is it just me?" JAKE: I am sorry... AMIR: It's fine. "Haddock--" ..."Haddock is--" ..."Number three..." JAKE: We have to go to a hospital. AMIR: I'll go in a bit. "Number two? Nah. It's tuna. Forget tilapia, whitefish, and speck. A deep-fried tuna... will help you forget the pain in your neck." JAKE: Did you know this was gonna happen? AMIR: It's a fortunate coincidence. "Number one: This pencil's no fun." JAKE: You're absolutely freestyling. [Amir turns the scroll around. The one thing written on it is "1. This pencil's no fun. :( -Rodrigo O!"] JAKE: ...You wizard. You warlock. AMIR: "I taste only blood, perhaps a bit of lead. Soon the fried fish won't be all whom are dead. My friend did this to me, he's a murderous beast. But let my last words be this: Fried fish is a feast." JAKE: Nice. AMIR: "And now I'm deceased." [Amir begins rolling up the scroll very slowly and calmly. Jake watches in bewilderment.] AMIR: Um... I do fear that I'm actually going to die. END