INTRO AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. JAKE: Record the intro, bitch! AMIR: I just did. JAKE: Good! [Jake, Amir, and a woman named Angie are in a limo.] JAKE: This is how you premiere party, daddy! [Amir chuckles.] JAKE: White limo, black tie-- oh, and my plus one? She's a ten! [Amir and Angie laugh.] ANGIE: So what's your movie about? AMIR: It's actually not a movie-- JAKE: [talking over Amir] "--a movie," is what he was gonna say. "It's actually not--" ...Fuck me!... Shit ass! JAKE: Hollyweird? No, this is Hollywild. As in anything goes. [doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression] And I am Arnold. I am the Governator. [Jake flexes his bicep and grins.] ANGIE: Oh, you have a seed in your teeth. JAKE: [picking his teeth] Okay. I had a bagel at home for dinner. Everything on it. AMIR: You had an everything bagel? JAKE: No! Listen to the story, ass. I had a plain bagel; I put everything on it. The whole shabazz. I had lox. ANGIE: So just lox. JAKE: Yes. Just-- AMIR: Then why do you have a seed? JAKE: Why are you two ganging up on me right now? You guys know Gangnam Style, right? I feel like this is Ganging Style! [raising his hands to do the Gangnam Style dance] Oppa Ganging Style! [Angie punches Jake in the face.] JAKE: Oh! Ohh! You struck me! ANGIE: So it's not a movie? ...So what's the TV show, then? JAKE: Not a TV show either. It's much better than both of those things, alright? This is the internet. You ever heard of a YouTube? ...This show's gonna be on one. ANGIE: I thought you said this was a premiere. JAKE: I said a lot of things, okay? I said I was Adam Lambert's cousin Drew! But that-- does that mean you wouldn't be coming on this date with me if I weren't rich, connected, and famous? It's like-- [Angie opens the door of the limo and jumps out. Sounds of car horns and swerving can be heard off-screen.] AMIR: Ohh! JAKE: No! N-- ohh, freak-- come on! [Jake is snorting something off his wrist.] JAKE: Ohh! AMIR: Whoa! Was that cocaine? JAKE: Nah, dude. Powdered sugar. But we gotta get used to snorting something! JAKE: [yelling out the door of the limo] Get in the car. Angie, come on. Look, I really am cousins with Lambert, Angie! Yeah! His mom is my dad's brother's wife. Y-- ...it's not by blood, you're right, Angie. Just get in the car-- get in the goddamn c-- JAKE: Do you even know how many dates I've had jump from moving friggin' cars on my ass? AMIR: Five? JAKE: Good guess. Four. It's still, like... it's still a lot. It's still too much, 'cause I've been on, like, six dates in the past couple years, and four of them j-- five, if you count her. JAKE: Driver! Ass! Will you please pull over for three goddamn seconds! Okay? So I can stay in one Tinder radius? Our date literally just bailed on us. AMIR: Us? JAKE: I was gonna offer you a menage. AMIR: What? [Jake nods.] AMIR: Nooo! JAKE: Nooo! JAKE/AMIR: [simultaneously] Nooo! JAKE: Hello? TMZ? Hey, how's it goin'. I'm calling to request some paparazzo at an event tonight. It's a premiere party... Oh, will celebrities be there?... Well gee whiz, why don't I put you on the phone with Adam Lambert's cousin. [Amir motions for Jake to give him the phone and let him do the voice. Jake pushes him away.] JAKE: [barely disguising his voice] Hello, Drew speaking. AMIR: [quietly] Nice. JAKE: Hel-- ...they hung up... they hung up... because of you! And your "nice"! ...Go to the front of the limo. Sit shotgun, bitch. JAKE/AMIR: [simultaneously] Nooo! JAKE: [excitedly taking off his tuxedo jacket] Oh boy! Alright, come on, dude, we're here! Let's do this! AMIR: What are you doing? JAKE: Reader's Digest calls it "disheveled after-party look", the style of mid-2015. Or was Wilmer Valderrama at his accountant's twin sons' b'nai mitzvah not styling? AMIR: "Disheveled after-party look"? JAKE: A messed-up tux for these dumb fucks makes the ladies go "yuck!" ...I tossed the salad of a duck. At a dayve. AMIR: A dayve? JAKE: Day rave, dude. The second-coolest kind of rave. AMIR: How much sugar did you snort? JAKE: You know, it was a lot, and I also skipped dinner. I lied about the bagel, lied about the lox. All I had was a seed. END [An outtake/extended cut of an earlier scene.] JAKE: [raising his hands to do the Gangnam Style dance] Oppa Ganging Style! [Angie punches Jake in the face.] JAKE: Oh! Ohh! You struck me! [laughing] For real, in the head! ANGIE: [laughing, holding Jake's head] I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry! AMIR: [laughing] That was so real! JAKE: [laughing] ...I have a concussion!