'Jake and Amir Finale Part 2: Ben Schwartz' starring Ben Schwartz INTRO: BEN Schwartz: Dreams do come true, and nightmares too: here's Jerk and a Bear. Jake and Amir are sitting behind a laptop AMIR: What the fug is this shif? JAKE: It's a script, man, you helped write it... Don't! Amir picks up the laptop and throws it against the wall JAKE: Are you kidding me? That was my personal computer, you piece of shit. AMIR: You're trying to type-cast me as some sort of loveable fool! I'm not gonna have it, at one point you-you had me throwing a computer against the wall. JAKE: Fine, what do you want the episode to be about? AMIR: About how I'm coool! JAKE: You loser. AMIR: Art imitating me... JAKE: Okay, fine, "Interior: Office", what are you saying? AMIR: I'm bragging, about how I can drink like a skunk. JAKE: Why is that funny? And why is that cool? AMIR: This is exactly why I invited my friend here. He's a real Hollywood movie writer, he can help. JAKE: I don't wanna meet any of your friends. AMIR gesturing to the door: Oh. He's right here. Ben Schwartz walks into the room, Jake jumps out of his seat JAKE: Oh! No no no no, get out of here man! You're a pervert! BEN: I'm so confused, what's going on? AMIR to Jake: Do you, know this guy? JAKE: Know this guy- yeah, (pointing at Ben) you're not gonna suck my dick again! BEN: Wow! JAKE: Alright, buddy? BEN: Huge jump- why would I suck your dick? AMIR: Somebody tried to suck his dick last year- JAKE: Tried to? Somebody did, okay? And it was you- what's your name? Watch this. BEN: I have a totally normal name. JAKE: Yeah? What is it? BEN: You wanna know my name? JAKE: Yeah. BEN: My name is... Ben Schwartz. JAKE: Ben Schwartz-what though? BEN: That's it. JAKE: Ben Scwartz-scroodily-doody? Ben Schwartz... uh... hippity-holo... hologram? BEN pausing, looking confused: No. (at Amir) So I'm gonna talk to you for the rest of the time, is that fine? AMIR: So here's the situation, CollegeHumor's asking us to write the first episode in a webseries, okay? We want it to be great, something that can potentially last for, I don't know, eight years? BEN: Eight years? That seems reasonable. Uuuuh, how 'bout this, I'll give you some tips. AMIR: That'd be great. BEN: Alright cool, one of the tips I'd say is maybe one of you guys is really obsessed with the other one. Amir points knowingly at Jake BEN: Is he super into you all the time? Twenty-four-seven? AMIR: Yeah, yeah, yeah! BEN: I love that, I love that! And maybe it'd be like on of you guys is- just to keep with the theme- obsessed with a food product- AMIR laughing: Okay BEN: Like chicken nuggets maybe? AMIR: Dude! BEN: Are you into 'em? AMIR high fiving Ben: That's like (laughs) I eat that shit always! BEN: You know what else you should do? You should have a catch phrase. AMIR: Ooh, I like that. BEN: You need one a lot like '80s or '90s television, like Urkel, in Family Matters'd be like: BEN: "Did I do that?" // JAKE: "And I did that!" BEN to Jake: No, you don't have to say it after me, and also you said it wrong. So, just for next time, it's: "Did I do that?" JAKE: Oh I did that! BEN: Stop. You don't have to repeat it after me, but just so you don't get embarrassed when you're in front of your friends, its- let's do it beat by beat: "Did" JAKE: "Did" BEN: Alright, "I"- JAKE: -and I did that! BEN looking puzzled: No... Alright... Or like a different catch-phrase, you know what's a great one? In Cheers, every time George Wendt came into the bar they'd scream: BEN and AMIR: "Norm!" JAKE: Gnome! BEN: Norm JAKE: DAN! BEN: Stop. You can see my lips are saying "Norm"- JAKE: And I did that! BEN pausing: Ok, it doesn't matter JAKE: Alright. BEN: You know what would help us with all of this? AMIR: What? BEN: I have roommates back at home. Wanna go over there? AMIR: I'd be down. BEN: Yeah. JAKE: Yeah right, let me guess- the only way we can get back to your place is if you put your lips on my dick and blow me there. BEN looking shocked at Jake: ...nah. (To Amir) Do you want to head out? AMIR: Yes. BEN: Right. Amir and Ben leave the room. JAKE: I'm- down to go too. I have to swing by anc get a new laptop at the muffin, but, then we go. Jake, Amir and Ben are walking up to Ben's front door. BEN: I don't want to put my hand on your dick, Jake. You're gonna love these dudes, they're so cool. AMIR: What kind of animal do they drink like? BEN shrugging: Skunks. Amir pumps his fist BEN: Okay. They open the front door to Ben's house BEN: Ah, these, are my roommates. Ben's house is populated by previous characters played by Ben Scwartz during the series, including the milkman MILKMAN: Milkman. They turn their heads towards a couch where more characters are seated, including the real estate agent from the 'Real Estate Agent' episodes REAL ESTATE AGENT: Eeehhhhh! Jake is shaking his head as Amir gasps and turns towards him JAKE muttering under his breath: Oh no...