INTRO AMIR: Hey, you're watching the end of an era. JAKE: Chill, man. AMIR: I am chill! Sorry. I am chill. [The episode begins with a tracking shot through the office, where all of the employees are trying to work in spite of a loud argument taking place between Jake and Amir, who are still off-screen.] JAKE: Don't yell at me. Okay, buddy? You asked for my thoughts, and now you're immediately telling-- AMIR: Shhh! JAKE: You're shushing me? Are you kidding? AMIR: Yeah, because opinions are like assholes: ya are one! And they stink, and so do you! JAKE: Nice, you butchered that phrase! AMIR: No. JAKE: Okay, why do you think you're wearing a good outfit for work? AMIR: Because it's healthy, dingus! My cousin Leron has a friend Chard who's a personal trainer! JAKE: He has a friend named Chard? AMIR: That's right. He's Swiss! JAKE: Swiss Chard. AMIR: Mm-hmm! JAKE: Good. Go home. AMIR: No! JAKE: Go home and change. AMIR: No, I have to work in it! JAKE: You have to work in that! Wow. AMIR: I have to work out in it! Yeah! [The tracking shot ends, and Amir is revealed to be wearing a baggy silver sweat suit.] JAKE: You're not working out in it, you're just-- AMIR: It doesn't matter. The one issue, honestly, is that it's a little hot. It's steamy. But-- JAKE: That's the sole purpose of the suit. It's supposed to be a sweat suit. AMIR: --it is shiny. I like that it's shiny, and actually, I trust Chard. JAKE: You trust him? AMIR: I do trust Chard, because he has a record label. SAM: [standing in the doorway of his office] Guys! My office, now! [Jake and Amir are sitting in Sam's office.] AMIR: [doing a voice] What seems to be the problem here, officer? [laughs] SAM: You guys haven't done any work in the last eight years, and you're fired. JAKE/AMIR: Excuse...? SAM: You come into work, mainly only on Tuesdays, you argue loudly, disrupting the entire team, and you have never contributed to this company... JAKE: That's not true, sir. SAM: ...ever. JAKE: That is not true, and you know it. Alright, we've had two auditions at least, and, um, one or two table reads as well. SAM: That is three to four instances of work in the last eight years. AMIR: Sorry, let me try to wrap my cock around this: you're saying me and you are done professionally? JAKE: Bad joke. AMIR: [laughing] It's not a joke! It's not a joke. Not everything is a joke. JAKE: Are you gonna say you didn't say that hoping people would laugh? AMIR: Nobody did laugh, though. SAM: You see what you're doing? Even now you're arguing, and I'm firing you. AMIR: Give us one chance, dude, okay? One more opportunity. Mom's spaghetti. I swear we'll write not just one episode for you, but an entire web series... eight hundred fucking episodes. JAKE: Way too many. SAM: Jesus. AMIR: And they'll be cheap, too. Because all of them will be Jake and I, chatting. JAKE: [sarcastically] Awesome pitch. That sounds really good. AMIR: Yeah! It'll be me and you talking. JAKE: Just talking at our desks? AMIR: Mm-hmm! JAKE: [giving Amir a thumbs-up] Yeah, I wanna watch that. AMIR: [laughing] I do! SAM: This could work... I mean, you did kick Jake's tongue off last year. AMIR: [laughing] See? That's an episode! Another one could be, is if I'm, uh, a mime, or... I get a dog, or, uh, if I, one c-- one could be if I have a snake or bread. JAKE: You're just saying nouns, dude. AMIR: It's all funny, though, because if it's-- JAKE: Well focus on one episode. AMIR: So think ab-- JAKE: Let's make one episode funny, rather than just finish all eight hundred-- AMIR: N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no! SAM: This... is the show. SAM/AMIR: ...This... is the show. This is the show. SAM/JAKE/AMIR: This is the show! SAM: Stop it. I am with you guys. I'm willing to experiment with this, but I agree with Jake. AMIR: Thi-- SAM: Eight hundred episodes is too many. I mean, you can't just take the same format, and do it over and over, and over... and over. JAKE: That's enough. SAM: Let's give one a shot and see how it comes out, and take it from there. AMIR: Sam, I have a feeling you're gonna love the first episode of Amir and Jake! SAM: Hmm. That name... [crossing his hands over each other, implying a reversal] ...is perfect. JAKE: It's not bad, but what about J-- SAM: Perfect! END