Amir: You're watching Jake and Amir, (in bad witch voice) my pretties. Jake: What is that? Amir: I'm a witch! Jake: Got it. [Jake and Amir walk in and sit down at Jakes desk] Jake: Alright, let me explain the economic crisis to you, so you don't embarrass yourself in another meeting. Amir: Ok, I thought I handled myself with gravity and poise. Jake: You took out a hundred dollar bill, lit it on fire, and then tried to light a cigar with it; you failed, you burned yourself pretty badly, and you burned Karen really badly. Amir: Ok, she was loving it. Jake: She was already upset because she lost half of her retirement fund in the last three months. Amir: Yeah, that's what you get for investing in cock futures. Jake: She didn't invest in cock futures, ok? nobody is inve.. What is a cock future? So the government needed to raise the debt ceiling in order to pay back billions of dollars in foreign loans. (interrupted by Amir) Amir: Woah woah slow down I wasn't listening. Jake: Slow down or you weren't listening? Amir: What's the difference? Jake: Well one implies you were giving some effort but I was just talking too fast, the other one is just that you're being an asshole Interrupted by Amir Amir: Woah woah slow down! Jake: So it was the second one? Amir: Second WHAT! Jake: You then rolled up a hundred dollar bill, shoved it in Karens ear and lit the tip of it on fire, screaming Enjoy this ear candle you dumb bitch, it's half the price of a cock future and unlike you it's guaranteed to blow smoke up my ass. Amir: Yeah, which got a huge laugh. Jake: A lot of people tried to tackle you. Amir: So why doesn't Obama just like cut a check and call it a day? Jake: You think Obama would be the one to cut a check? Amir shrugs They needed more than a Trillion dollars. Amir: Oh a trillion. Which is? Jake: A thousand billion Amir: Right. Which is? Jake: A thousand million, which is a thousand thousand, which is a thousand dollars, which is how much four chicken nuggets cost. Amir: Got it. (Amir attempts to throw a chicken nugget into his mouth but misses) Jake: Where did you get that? (Amir making a weird face while Jake talks) Security came to escort you out; you got down on your hands and knees and begged Karen for just one of her cock futures, you said: I'm sure my dad would be disappointed to see me grovelling, but the look in his eyes when I show him I'm the certified owned of a cock future, would surely erase 28 years of disapproval. Amir: I'm a coward and a fool! .. I feel like the word staunch was co opted by the right, I mean like you can be a staunch Republican, but you can't be a staunch Democrat? like who made those rules — (Jake interrupts) Jake: You can be a staunch Democrat — (Amir interrupts jake) Amir: I don't interrupt you, ok, I don't interrupt your stand ups so don't interrupt mine, sorry but.. Jake: You do interrupt me a lot, not necessarily during my stand up — (Amir interrupts) Amir: Name one time I interrupted you. Jake: You're interrupting me right now — Amir: Name one time! Jake: It's happening right now — (AMIR interrupting: I defy YOU *), this is interruption! Amir: I feel like we don't need money if everyone just decided to use..(Jake interrupts) Jake: I know, Chucky Cheese tokens instead of money, right, you said that maybe too much during the meeting. Amir: [Tickles Jake] Are you ticklish? Jake: Yes, I'm very ticklish but your hands are so cold, and wet and clammy that I'm just grossed out.. You then pissed yourself, and you were dragged out of the meeting a second time, while you were screaming The audacity of NOPE, which sounds like some weird tea party slogan. Amir: I'm a member. Jake: [Amir tries tickling jake again] Yeah, like that feels like I'm being poked with cold crab claws. Amir: [Holding up a 100$ bill and trying to burn it with a lighter while Jake tries to stop him] Alright come on, just let go man. Jake: You did not learn your lesson yet. That'll be 300$ on the day! Ok, then so even though the debt ceiling was raised, our credit rating dropped so the stocks tanked. Amir: Yeah, that's why I keep my money in a freaking box, man. Jake: That's not smart. Amir: Yeah, well didn't you lose money this year? Jake: Yes. Amir: .. and in 2008? Jake: Right i did but... Amir: Well my box didn't depreciate in value, ok, I actually made more money investing in Nothing [laughs]. Jake: Fine, where's your box? Amir: Here's a quiz.. I lost it. Jake: So then from inside the meeting we heard you threaten to make your face red until you passed out, which I guess you did, because then nobody heard from you for 30 minutes. Amir: Yeah, which felt like like a second on my end. Jake: Right, because you had stopped breathing. Amir: For like a second on my end. Jake: Yes, on your end, but like for 30 minutes in real life. [Amir tries to flick his fingers] Jake: Booyakasha? Amir: Borat, yeah. Ok, so how do you know so much? Jake: Newspapers, alright, it's not hard to stay informed; you read an hour a day, New York Times, Wall Street Journal.. Amir: How do you actually know so much? Jake: Daily show..(Amir: got it) I watch the Colbert Report. Amir: Yeah.. Comedy shows. The End Video Link