INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir! AMIR: Hide your kids, hide your wife! JAKE: From what? AMIR: Everything. [Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir is in a hazmat suit, with his gas mask pulled up above his face. He's wearing latex gloves, which he did not put on carefully enough to get his fingers in properly.] AMIR: [mouthing] Bad idea... [Jake doesn't react. Amir cups his hands around his mouth and repeats himself at full volume.] AMIR: Bad idea! JAKE: You knew I wasn't gonna take the bait, so you yelled it at me, huh? What's a bad idea? You wearing that to work? AMIR: No, you knowingly getting Ebola, to the office. JAKE: You're so behind on everything! No one's talking about Ebola anymore. AMIR: I'm still fearful. JAKE: Of course you are. AMIR: I'm paranoid! JAKE: Yeah, you're paranoid of what? Ebola in Los Angeles? You're not at risk here, in this office. AMIR: [holding up his hands, making a buzzer sound] Daaanhh! Wrong, okay? [gesturing with his fists, while the gloves' fingers flap everywhere] Ebola is an epidemic, which means you're at risk everywhere! Okay? Last time I checked, you weren't Superman! [laughing] Though you're pretty frickin' close... JAKE: What the hell is the matter with your hands? AMIR: What? JAKE: They look disfigured. AMIR: They're not. JAKE: Do you know how to put on gloves? AMIR: Yeah, ya... [tries to demonstrate putting on gloves] ...squeeze 'em up. JAKE: Forget it. Can you type in that? AMIR: No. Not really, no. At all. JAKE: So why did you open your computer? What work are you doing right now? AMIR: Is it important for me to do work, or is it important for me to be alive? I think it's... I think alive is actually pretty crucial. JAKE: You know, you're at work. You're at your job, so it's pretty crucial for you to be doing your work. AMIR: Question, everyone: Who thinks it's important for me to be alive? [chuckles] [Nobody reacts.] AMIR: Obviously they're not paying attention. Everyone's always... y-you go out to dinner, and everyone's like: [pretending to text] "Uh, yeah. Uh, yeah." No one's ever, like, listening-- JAKE: Who here thinks Amir should die? [Many people raise their hand.] AMIR: Ohh! That smarts! JAKE: What makes you think you, of all people, are at risk for Ebola? AMIR: Glad you asked! Leron teased the nurse returning from Liberia to the point where she actually hurled her own feces at him! [laughs] Later on, Leron and I French kissed in front of a security camera as a goof, and I fear some of the original Ebola-infected feces went from his throat into mine. JAKE: If that's all true, then you deserve to have Ebola. AMIR: Excuse...? JAKE: ...Never say that again. AMIR: How do you figure, is all? JAKE: You're teasing a nurse-- AMIR: No. JAKE: --who's coming back from Liberia, she went there to help-- AMIR: No, no, no, no, no! Listen to the case, dude! Leron was teasing a nurse-- JAKE: Leron teased the nurse. AMIR: Leron teased the nurse. JAKE: Fine. You Frenched him. AMIR: I Frenched-- yeah. I French kissed my cousin Leron. JAKE: Okay-- after he had shit in his mouth, and he didn't wash it out! AMIR: As a goof. As a goof, I French kissed-- JAKE: As a goof-- it doesn't matter! You're su-- you're-- it's implicit support, is what it is, of his bad actions-- AMIR: I'm tongue-kissing him. Okay? I'm tongue-kissing him-- JAKE: I caught that part! I-- AMIR: --and then I'm afraid that some of the shit in his mouth went into my tongue. JAKE: Do you think I don't understand what happened? I'm saying that those-- AMIR: You're saying I teased the nurse. Like I'm a nurse-teaser. JAKE: I got one thing wrong. I got the Frenching right, though. AMIR: Yeah, I-- JAKE: Because you French kissed your cousin-- AMIR: As a goof-- JAKE: --As a goof-- JAKE/AMIR: [simultaneously] --on camera. JAKE: Die, then. [Amir vomits.] AMIR: Don't say shit like that, or I'll quarantine your ass! END