INTRO: JAKE: Hey, you're watching J-- AMIR: Hey, guess what you're watching Jake and Ami-- JAKE: We agreed I was gonna go! AMIR: Oh, yeyeyeah. [Jake and Amir are sitting at their desks. Amir is drinking out of a Styrofoam cup. Jake is listening to his headphones.] (Jake takes off his headphones, revealing that he is wearing stud earrings.) JAKE: Woo! AMIR: Holy shit you're wearing earrings. JAKE: Holy shit you're a loser! AMIR: Why did you do that? JAKE: You not liking it validates it as a good idea! AMIR: I didn't say I didn't like it. I just said why are you doing that. JAKE: Two studs for the price of gun! BING! (flicks his ear) OW! F- Dammit, why would I flick it?! AMIR: What happened? JAKE: They're still tender as the night and twice as gay-- NOT gay, not gay,, get with it, Hurwitz. I'm like, repeating that shit the dude yelled at me on the bus this morning. AMIR: Someone yelled at you on the bus this morning? JAKE: Yelled at me, then like boxed my ears. Pretty much got a standing-O, forcing me off the bus. I was gonna walk home, but I was like fuck it, I'm afraid to be alone. AMIR: You know they're actually kinda fly. JAKE: If you think they're fly now, come meet me at the club in six weeks. AMIR: Six weeks? JAKE: Six weeks, that's when I get to upgrade the earrings. I'mma gauge this one out.. to five sixteenths, and on this one's gonna be a giant hoop all the way down to my fucking shoulder blade. AMIR: Hold on a second, I'm trying to write down how to be cool, but you're talking too fast! JAKE: Write this down, baby! Spiderweb tat on my elbow, spiderweb tat on my elbow, spider tat on my abdomen, bicep tat of my astro sign, Leo DiCaprio-- AMIR: Heh! JAKE: --and guess what I'm doing with my lips? ......eatin a pussy. AMIR: Eena.. pussy? JAKE: (loudly and articulately) Eating a pussy! (A female coworker looks over, disgusted.) AMIR: That's a lot of changes, man. JAKE: Not even including facial hair. AMIR: Facial hair? JAKE: A goatee on top of my thoat-ee makes the girls say ay, papi! Aheh! I made out with my cousin! At a club! AMIR: Your cousin? JAKE: Crimson. AMIR: But you kissed your cousin though. JAKE: The takeaway here is that I got into Crimson, on a Tuesday, the fourth hardest night to get into Crimson, not including the weekend. AMIR: So the easiest night to get in, not including Monday-- JAKE: Monday, yeah, but listen I've been rejected on a Monday. Alright you ever give a bouncer a hundred dollar bill up just to see him tear it up right in front of your crying eyes? AMIR: Being cool sounds hard, maybe I'm just not cut out for it. JAKE: Trust fam, you ain't. Ok not a lot of people can handle the blinding pain, the crippling insecurity, the constant desire just to- you know what, fuck it! It's not worth it! It's not worth it! Help me get this off! (taking his earrings off) AMIR: I thought they were cool! JAKE: They are, ok! I'm just not ready for it! (Murph and Pat run over to Jake's desk.) MURPH: Aww, man! JAKE: What? PAT: We heard you got your ears pierced, so we came over to make fun of you. JAKE: Too late, bitches! Unless you guys think it's cool... PAT: We don't. JAKE: Which is exactly why I didn't do it! Wow, that was hard! AMIR: Ok, what do you guys know about being cool, I bet you've never even kissed your cousin at Crimson, huh? Tell 'em Jake! PAT: You kissed your cousin at a club?-- JAKE: On a Tuesday! On a Tuesday! END. (FIRED AD)