INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir-- and watch out, dude. AMIR: Dude, I am watching out, dude! [Jake and Amir are in a car. Amir is driving. Amir looks over at Jake expectantly.] JAKE: Look-- [pointing at the road] ...Jesus. [Amir gestures at somebody outside.] AMIR: Learn how to drive, shitbird! JAKE: That guy's walking. AMIR: Call me a shitbird again. Call it to my face and see what happens. JAKE: Can you please just focus. Alright? I said I'd give you a driving lesson if you would focus. AMIR: Yeah? Well learning shit is for aunts and dweebs! And last time I checked... JAKE: "I'm have a pussy"? AMIR: [simultaneously] ...I'm have a pussy. Yeah! JAKE: Yeah, you've said that before. AMIR: Exactly right. Can we-- ...can we just listen to the radio? Alright? Music helps me drive! JAKE: Music doesn't help you drive, at all. You hopped the curb back there 'cause you were listening to a Big Sean song. AMIR: I'm sorry if music distracts me! I think that's pretty normal, actually. JAKE: Be sorry that you just tried to lie, to get me to turn it back on! Okay? Y-- y--you gotta learn how to drive, if you're living in Los Angeles. AMIR: [mocking Jake] I-- I--I know how to drive, alright? I'm a regular James Deen. JAKE: Jesus. AMIR: What? JAKE: Jerk. AMIR: I can't... you know what?... I can't see anything. I think I need my sunglasses. JAKE: Alright, fine. I'll grab them. Where are they-- AMIR: No, I got 'em, I got 'em, I got 'em. [Amir leans way back into the backseat to look for his sunglasses. Jake grabs the wheel.] JAKE: Hey, hey-- hey-- dude! Hey! Idiot! AMIR: I got 'em, dude! I g-- JAKE: You idiot! AMIR: Why am I an idiot? Okay? There's a lot of glare. It'll be much safer if I just find my shades! JAKE: Eyes on the road, buddy. AMIR: I don't need 'em on the road, buddy! Alright? Relax. I-- [Jake shushes Amir.] AMIR: [singing] Beware, beware, beware... JAKE: Find the glasses. AMIR: [singing] ...of a woman with a broken fart! [farts loudly] JAKE: Oh! Smelly! [Amir sits back in his seat, wearing heart-shaped sunglasses.] AMIR: Got 'em, baby! JAKE: Jesus Christ. AMIR: Pussy-whipped much? JAKE: ...What? AMIR: I swear, dude. You let women walk all over you. You gotta-- JAKE: I don't-- ...stop it. Okay? AMIR: Okay... JAKE: I don't feel like having a conversation right now. AMIR: Me neither, so we're both... on the same page, as it were. [pronouncing "page" in French] JAKE: Good, so then we just be quiet, and we don't have to say anything to each other. AMIR: Fine. [pause] It's funny... this whole thing reminds me of my old man teaching me how to drive. [chuckles] Was sittin' in the same seat you were. If you can belee dat! JAKE: I can belee dat. Just, please, can we not talk about your family? I-- AMIR: Cursing the only god he knew that he lost that rock-paper-scissors match against my mommy. "Loser has to teach Queen Dweeb to drive!" That's what they said. JAKE: "Queen Dweeb"? AMIR: "Queen Dweeb". That was their nickname for me. They used to yell it me, taunt me, throw shit at me like the, uh... what's the inside of a-- of a peach? JAKE: ...The pit? AMIR: Yeah. They used to throw knives at me. JAKE: Why did you ask me about peach pits? AMIR: Because you gotta cut the peach with something! ...Idiot! JAKE: Jesus Christ, that is depressing. Just... driving-wise, okay... AMIR: Yeah? JAKE: Just remember to use your signals when we're changing lanes. AMIR: [doing an arm signal] I use arm signals. [sticking his arm in front of Jake] Hi-ya! Less legal, sure-- JAKE: Eyes on the road. AMIR: --but... way less effective, too. JAKE: So you said "less" twice, then. AMIR: Yeah. [chuckles] Oh, God, these driving lessons. Daddy used to sit right there; me, crying in the front seat like a five-year-old. "I don't want to drive today, Papa! I can't reach the pedals!" JAKE: ...Excuse me? AMIR: I was four. JAKE: God, your parents suck, dude. AMIR: Excuse me! Say that again! Say that again to my face and I will drive this car into a cat, so help me cod, you fishy bitch! JAKE: Keep your eyes on the road! AMIR: I can't see shit, dude! These glasses are not prescription! JAKE: Then take them off! AMIR: [leaning back into the backseat again] Let me put them back in the case! JAKE: Hey! Dude! AMIR: What, dude! Drive, shitbird! JAKE: Hey! Come on! END