INTRO AMIR- You're watching you and me, together JAKE- I'm going to get out of the booth AMIR- Why?! What did I say? (Jake and Amir in the conference room) JAKE- Alright dude, I appreciate you being here- AMIR- And you're welcome JAKE- Ok, let me finish, but- AMIR- Happy to be here JAKE- I know you are, I'm not happy you're here. You can't audition people for scripts that you didn't write AMIR- Don't worry about it, ok- namaste! JAKE- I'm worried about- don't say namaste, okay, get out of here before some- AMIR- It's fine! JAKE- It's not fine! (Doobs knocks on the door) JAKE- Awesome. Alright, come in. JAKE (to Amir)- You stay for one audition, then you have to go (Doobs enters, Jake sighs) DOOBS- It is I! AMIR- What are you doing here, Doobs? DOOBS- You can't call me by that peasant name anymore, Ashmir! AMIR- No... DOOBS- Yes! You see, I have illegally...for the record...without warning...changed my name- to Penis Anthony HUDSON! (Jake holds up Doobs' headshot) JAKE- Your headshot just says Penis Hudson DOOBS- I'm sorry? JAKE- Your headshot just says Penis Hudson DOOBS- What? JAKE- It says Penis Hudson, you lost Anthony DOOBS- Hm? AMIR- Alright, let's just see what you've got, Huds! DOOBS- Oohoohooh! Sly as a fox... JAKE- No, he's not, here's the script for the audition (Jake hands Doobs the script) DOOBS- Don't need it JAKE- You do DOOBS- No, I don't AMIR- Alright, it's sink or swim time, let's see what you've got, Huddy! DOOBS- Ooohoohoohooho! JAKE- A second ago, you called him Huds DOOBS- Ah, but they both kill me. Just like his father tried to do to me with his, tiny skinny legs JAKE- Just do the audition, man DOOBS- Gladly (Doobs impersonating) (Sprawled against the wall, then acting like a monkey) DOOBS- The beginning of time (Behind a tree, while shaking it, then scooting on the floor) (Changes character) DOOBS- I was tired, man (Changes character) DOOBS- Ooh, King Pruden. Tis I, Lysthmus (Changes character, Italian accent) DOOBS- You wanna mess with my guys? Well, my guys are the toughest! Take Ricky over here (Changes character) DOOBS- Because I loved her! I killed her because I loved her! (Changes character) DOOBS- Hey guys, I'm Ricky (Changes character, dancing) DOOBS- Must come down! What is up is gonna come down! (Changes character) DOOBS- It's gon be 'dem whose running now Brief intermission (Changes character) DOOBS- Runnin' from duh white man! (Changes character) DOOBS- You get on that bed, you get on that bed and I'mma comin' in a minute, I'mma make love to you tonight Much later (Amir applauding) JAKE- Great, is he finished? (Amir fail whistle) JAKE- Penis, you didn't get the part DOOBS- Thank you AMIR- But, you had the guts to go off-book, off-script, so, you got the part! DOOBS- Thank you! JAKE- No, he didn't, you auditioned for, yeah, 3 hours DOOBS- Thank you JAKE- Okay, not a compliment, we gave the part to someone else, we shot it, it's already on the web DOOBS- Be honest with me and I want you to be honest with me, was I at least seriously considered for the part? Simultaneously (JAKE- You weren't AMIR- You were) DOOBS- Ahhahahaha! Thank you! Thank you! (Amir and Doobs grab onto a bouquet of flowers and jump together) DOOBS- Thank you! Thank you! Simultaneously (DOOBS and AMIR- Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!) (Jake shakes head) NTRO AMIR- You're watching you and me, together JAKE- I'm going to get out of the booth AMIR- Why?! What did I say? (Jake and Amir in the conference room) JAKE- Alright dude, I appreciate you being here- AMIR- And you're welcome JAKE- Ok, let me finish, but- AMIR- Happy to be here JAKE- I know you are, I'm not happy you're here. You can't audition people for scripts that you didn't write AMIR- Don't worry about it, ok- namaste! JAKE- I'm worried about- don't say namaste, okay, get out of here before some- AMIR- It's fine! JAKE- It's not fine! (Doobs knocks on the door) JAKE- Awesome. Alright, come in. JAKE (to Amir)- You stay for one audition, then you have to go (Doobs enters, Jake sighs) DOOBS- It is I! AMIR- What are you doing here, Doobs? DOOBS- You can't call me by that peasant name anymore, Ashmir! AMIR- No... DOOBS- Yes! You see, I have illegally...for the record...without warning...changed my name- to Penis Anthony HUDSON! (Jake holds up Doobs' headshot) JAKE- Your headshot just says Penis Hudson DOOBS- I'm sorry? JAKE- Your headshot just says Penis Hudson DOOBS- What? JAKE- It says Penis Hudson, you lost Anthony DOOBS- Hm? AMIR- Alright, let's just see what you've got, Huds! DOOBS- Oohoohooh! Sly as a fox... JAKE- No, he's not, here's the script for the audition (Jake hands Doobs the script) DOOBS- Don't need it JAKE- You do DOOBS- No, I don't AMIR- Alright, it's sink or swim time, let's see what you've got, Huddy! DOOBS- Ooohoohoohooho! JAKE- A second ago, you called him Huds DOOBS- Ah, but they both kill me. Just like his father tried to do to me with his, tiny skinny legs JAKE- Just do the audition, man DOOBS- Gladly (Doobs impersonating) (Sprawled against the wall, then acting like a monkey) DOOBS- The beginning of time (Behind a tree, while shaking it, then scooting on the floor) (Changes character) DOOBS- I was tired, man (Changes character) DOOBS- Ooh, King Pruden. Tis I, Lysthmus (Changes character, Italian accent) DOOBS- You wanna mess with my guys? Well, my guys are the toughest! Take Ricky over here (Changes character) DOOBS- Because I loved her! I killed her because I loved her! (Changes character) DOOBS- Hey guys, I'm Ricky (Changes character, dancing) DOOBS- Must come down! What is up is gonna come down! (Changes character) DOOBS- It's gon be 'dem whose running now Brief intermission (Changes character) DOOBS- Runnin' from duh white man! (Changes character) DOOBS- You get on that bed, you get on that bed and I'mma comin' in a minute, I'mma make love to you tonight Much later (Amir applauding) JAKE- Great, is he finished? (Amir fail whistle) JAKE- Penis, you didn't get the part DOOBS- Thank you AMIR- But, you had the guts to go off-book, off-script, so, you got the part! DOOBS- Thank you! JAKE- No, he didn't, you auditioned for, yeah, 3 hours DOOBS- Thank you JAKE- Okay, not a compliment, we gave the part to someone else, we shot it, it's already on the web DOOBS- Be honest with me and I want you to be honest with me, was I at least seriously considered for the part? Simultaneously (JAKE- You weren't AMIR- You were) DOOBS- Ahhahahaha! Thank you! Thank you! (Amir and Doobs grab onto a bouquet of flowers and jump together) DOOBS- Thank you! Thank you! Simultaneously (DOOBS and AMIR- Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!) (Jake shakes head)