Jake: Hey you're watching Jake and Amir. Amir: Watch and yearn! Jake: Oh, hey, hey. You know, I really wish you'd use the bathroom. Amir: No time to lose from the grind. You either stay hustling or get dead. Jake: Don't pawn it off like it's dedication to work, okay? Because I can see, yeah, you're about to read a scroll right now. Amir: This one's about work. Jake: It doesn't matter. Amir: Top 10 Dogs to Foster by Amir Cesar Millan Bloomin' fuck! Jake: How is that about work? Amir: What? Jake: I said, how is it about work? Can you make your mouth different somehow? Amir: Number 10: How about a hen? Every dog already has a home, so why don't you give a cockerel a place to roam? Jake: Immediately off topic, immediately wrong. You know, not every dog has a home. That's why there are rescue services. Amir: Number 9: You have no spine. I mean, sure, you'll rescue a occasional kitten or a pooch, but when it comes to hens, you won't let one roost? I bet you have several unoccupied cages in your living room, you fucking hoarder! You fat fuck hoarder! Jake: Change the name of your list, okay? \"Top 10 Birds to Accuse People of Not Fostering\" or something. Amir: Number 8! Let me give it to you straight. Cockapoodle doo! Jake: How is that to the point at all? Amir: It's like a transition from the earlier hen rooster situation. Jake: It needed to be a number seven? Amir: Into the, no, eight, and then into the dogs. And now it's time for seven. Jake: Okay. Amir: Are you not listening? Jake: No, I'm trying not to. Amir: Number 7, all dogs go to Kevin. That's right, my cousin Leron's performance coach's side hustle. Jake: Performance coach isn't the side hustle? Amir: No, he euthanizes dogs whose owner's kids want them to have expensive but life-saving surgeries. Jake: Awful practice. Why is it number 7? Amir: 'Cause number 6 is that dogs will help get you chicks. It doesn't matter if it's a corgi or a pit. Hell, it can even be a goose as long as it helps get you slit. Jake: Hey, hey! Amir: Give that back to me. Unbelievable. Jake: You just have another one, huh? Amir: Yeah, I have like 20 of these, just in case you snatch them. Kind of surprised that's never come up before. Jake: Move on. Amir: Number what? Jake: 5. Amir: 5, yeah, exactly right. Number 5, a Portland King Henry goucher named Clive. Jake: What kind of dog is that? Amir: I breeded it myself out of a sparrow and a horse. Jake: Impossible. Amir: Really, then explain this. Oh, shit! Jake: Oh my God! This is why you'd use the bathroom. Dude. Amir: Number 4. What is it about dogs that just speak to the sore. Jake: The sore? Amir: The soul. Jake: You said \"sore\". Amir: I said \"soul\". Jake: No, you did not. Amir: I have a herpetic lip. Jake: You still said \"sore\". Amir: I have a canker and a cold. Two sores for the price of one. Jake: Then go to the pharmacy, okay? Get some Blistex. Amir: Number 3, a poodle for me? Gee, thanks, didn't think you thought of me that way, but I'll rent the pooch for a week or two if it means you think I can close for once. A poodle for me? Jake: I heard it, I heard it. Yeah, go on. Amir: Cock a toodle 2. That's right, a Yorkie poo named Georgie Jew. And guess where I got it? From a breeder named G, as in Warren G. And guess what? Jake: Die. Amir: It smells like pee, I was gonna say. Die? Jake: Yeah. Amir: Like to me? Jake: Yeah, die. Amir: Like to me to die? Jake: By the way, you smell like pee. You just spilled it all over your desk and you cleaned it up with your shirt. Amir: Numero uno. Jake: Finally. Amir: Any dog will duo as long as you get it from a breeder. Yeah, our rescues have become overwhelmed with these mutts and girls. Jake: What's a girl? Amir: Adopt, don't shop. Unless of course. You want the greatest dog of all, a pug. They scientifically engineered that you'll have to pay top dollar for 'cause it's cute as shit, can barely breathe, and you reek of piss. Jake: You really didn't stick the landing there. Amir: I ran out of time. Jake: What are you talking about you ran out of time? Amir: I'm busy with other shit. Jake: You're busy with other shit? You read the list. Amir: I have a hobby that's not just list writing. Jake: Really? Then why'd you make two? You have several. Amir: I have several of them. That's why I didn't have the time to— Jake: You piss at your desk. Amir: Yes, exactly. Jake: So you have time. Amir: I don't have to run from the grind. Jake: And why are you reading me drafts instead of the final then? Amir: I have a kidney stone. Jake: Sorry to hear that. Amir: Yeah. Doctor says I'm supposed to drink water. Jake: Hey! Amir: I'm just kidding. Jake: Go home. You quit. You quit. You quit and you don't work here anymore.