INTRO AMIR: [with his mouth full] Hey, you're watching Jake and-- JAKE: You're watching Jake and Amir. AMIR: [still with his mouth full] Let me do it! [Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir is messily eating a meatball sandwich.] AMIR: [enjoying his sandwich] Ohhh, yeah! [laughs with pleasure] Oh! Did I tell you I'm doing a gluten-free June? Nothing too drastic. Just like a... gastric bypass, maybe a tummy-tuck, and a... a face lift. JAKE: "Nothing too drastic"? You're talking about... surgery! Invasive, elective surgery! AMIR: Chill with that shit. [Amir's sandwich begins falling apart onto his desk.] JAKE: Meatballs on your keyboard. AMIR: Ahhh, crap! [Amir's phone rings.] AMIR: Ahhh, double crap! JAKE: Try to do things quietly. [Amir spits his mouthful of food into his shirt pocket. Jake reacts with disgust. Amir picks up the phone.] AMIR: [doing a charismatic DJ voice into the phone] Yo yo yo, DJ Shmumu on the house! In the line, and turnin' it up! How's down, my playa? JAKE: Dude. So bad. AMIR: Sounds awesome! Let me just check with my secretary! [to Jake] Hey, do we have work on Wednesday the 25th? JAKE: I'm not your secretary-- and... come on, of course. We have work every Wednesday-- AMIR: Can do! Pencil this DJ...! Up? [hangs up] JAKE: Not smart. Just gonna confuse him. AMIR: You'll never in a million years guess what I've been doing lately. JAKE: Starting a DJ business. AMIR: Better. Starting a DJ business. JAKE: That's what I guessed. Why have a conversation with you if you're just gonna-- AMIR: [shaking with excitement] Good question! Business is booming! JAKE: Can you please not shake so much? Just contain the excitement. You enter every single conversation with an agenda, so, like, no matter what direction it goes-- AMIR: Business is booming. I'm happy; you're happy for me! [laughs] I'm doing everything right now pro bono, but that doesn't mean I'm not makin' bank! [rubs his fingers together] JAKE: Yes it does! If you're using "pro bono" correctly. AMIR: I can't help it if my Yelp reviews suck! JAKE: That's one thing you can help! The reviews suck if you suck! So you improve yourself! AMIR: [mouthing] Wow. JAKE: I'm looking at them right now. "DJ Shmumu pressed 'play' on a Spotify playlist and fainted." AMIR: Yeah! JAKE: "DJ Shmumu fainted upon arrival!" AMIR: Yeah! JAKE: "He woke up and tried to load a Spotify playlist, but promptly fainted again!" AMIR: Yeah! JAKE: Stop saying "yeah"! You shouldn't be fainting this much. [Amir briefly faints and regains consciousness.] AMIR: Whoa, dude! JAKE: Oh my God. AMIR: I just blacked out for a spell... JAKE: You fainted! AMIR: Ohh! JAKE: Sleep more. Get a better diet. AMIR: [eating bits of sandwich out of his pocket] I'm gluten-free! JAKE: ...On second thought, man, just let yourself die. AMIR: Ouch much? [chuckles] That hurt more than my last Yelp review! JAKE: Right, which it looks like you wrote thirty seconds ago, so I guess you wrote it as you were fainting. "DJ Shmumu's pretty good, but he deserves to die. Hold on, I think I'm fainting." [Amir's phone rings. Amir picks up.] AMIR: Mickey, my friend! JAKE: Hang up. AMIR: Yes, my friend. I too am excited and eager to be DJing your daughter's wedding tonight! JAKE: Why does he trust you? AMIR: Yes, I already spoke to her regarding the playlist; it is set in stone. I assure you she is a lovely bride, and she's gonna get the reception she deserves. I'm actually... setting up the turntables as we speak, Mickey! JAKE: [shaking his head] Why do you do this? AMIR: Not to give too much away, Mickey, but I figure we start with the Hora, move on to some playful, yet tasteful, Golden Oldies, before transitioning beautifully and seamlessly to the father-daughter dance! I believe the one you requested... [typing on his keyboard, winking to Jake] let me pull it up right now... is, uh... that's right! It's called "I'm not actually DJing your daughter's wedding tonight, Mickey!" JAKE: Here we go. AMIR: She's gonna be an ugly bride, Mickey, and she's probably not gonna get married, Mickey! JAKE: That has nothing to do with being a DJ. AMIR: You know why, Mickey? Because my Yelp reviews suck, Mickey! JAKE: How is that his fault? AMIR: News flash, Mickey: I press play on Spotify... and I faint, Mickey! Yeah! I really faint, Mickey! In fact, Mickey... I'm fainting right now, Mickey... Mickey, help me out, Mickey. [drops the phone] JAKE: [yelling to be heard over the phone] He fainted, Mickey. AMIR: Mickey! JAKE: Mickey, he's gone. AMIR: Mickey. JAKE: Hey Mickey, let's hope he dies, huh? For both our sakes, Mickey. [Amir grunts groggily.] JAKE: Mickey. END