[no intro] [Jake and Amir are waiting for a table at a restaurant.] JAKE: Hey! HOSTESS (JESSICA): Hey! JAKE: Uh, two please. HOSTESS: Sure. AMIR: Yup, two for dinner, heheh! HOSTESS: Great! AMIR: Though usually we just eat pussy. JAKE: 'Later. [Jake immediately leaves.] AMIR: Wait! [Amir is eating dinner by himself. He shakes his head about what happened. A waitress comes over.] WAITRESS (CHLOE): How's the steak? AMIR: Fine... though I think I need a martini after that whole exchange. [The waitress chuckles politely.] AMIR: Catch that? WAITRESS: Yup. One martini comin' up! AMIR: No: what happened with me and my friend? Best friend, actually. Or so I thought. WAITRESS: Oh. No. AMIR: He ditch-ditch-ditched me. [The waitress goes to leave, but Amir holds her back by the arm.] AMIR: Actually, one second. Where's the hostess? Let's call her over; she saw the whole thing. WAITRESS: Let go of my arm... and I'll go get her. AMIR: Fine. [He lets go of her arm.] AMIR: Actually, what's her name? I can just call her over. WAITRESS: It's Jessica. I'll just go grab-- AMIR: Perfect. Jessica! Jessica! [As Amir calls for the hostess, Jessica, he restrains the waitress by the wrist again. She tries to pull away.] AMIR: You're... hurting my fingers, honestly. [Jessica comes over.] JESSICA: Are you okay? AMIR: Jess! Hi. I was just telling, um... [There is a pause, but not a very long one.] AMIR: That's when you say your name, sweetheart. It's called flirting. [to Jessica] You saw when my best friend left, right? After I told that good joke? JESSICA: ...Yeah. AMIR: Look, I knew you thought it was funny, didn't you? For an off-the-cuff one-liner? JESSICA: Um... AMIR: Um what? JESSICA: ...It was fine, AMIR: [in a robot voice] It was fine... No it was not fine... It was good... [speaking normally] Okay, tell it like it is. All right? Obviously I wouldn't Tweet it. I have a very unpopular twitter account: USARice. Follow it if you scare! [imitating Dracula's iconic laugh] Moo ooo ahh ahh ahh... [There is a long pause. Amir holds the Dracula face.] AMIR: DO you honestly think he should have left, though? Over one joke? JESSICA: Well, I kinda get the sense that you make those jokes a lot... AMIR: Granted! Okay? But that's almost enough out of you, so please... proceed with caution. JESSICA: Well maybe he was just fed up, and... didn't want to be here anymore. AMIR: And that actually is enough out of you. Thank you so much, Jessica; you're trying to be nice, but you're giving me a legit migraine right now. JESSICA: Well I also got the sense that he didn't want to be here to begin with, so... AMIR: [mock laughter] It's my birthday today. [pause] Wow, suddenly the customer's always right! I'll have that martini for free now, and as for the steak, I think... no, in fact I know I'm going to be eating it off your ass. [The waitress slaps Amir in the face.] AMIR : Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Woo! Yeah! That's a lawsuit. That is a lawsuit. Good news, everybody! My name's Jake Hurwitz and dinner's on me, because this establishment now owes me a million dollars! In the form of a suit. [tugs his collar] Class action! [The waitress begins crying.] JESSICA: It's fine, Chloe. It's gonna be fine. AMIR: Yeah, it's fine! It's fine? Or do I have a video tape... of the whole frickin' thing? [Amir holds up his iPhone, which has a recording of him playing.] AMIR: [on the iPhone] It's fine? Or do I have a video tape of the whole frickin' thing? AMIR: Nooooo! [Jake comes back to the restaurant.] JAKE: Hey, man. I'm sorry. I cooled off. It's just I really hate when you make those jokes. You know? [Amir nods.] JAKE: What's going on? Did you make this girl cry? AMIR: I made her realize that she was being a proud little diva tramp floozy! [Jake slaps Amir in the face.] AMIR: That's another lawsuit! That is another lawsuit, unbelievable! Two for the price of fun! I'm rich... James, bitch! END