INTRO Amir - Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Jake - Hey, you're drooling a little. Amir - A little bit. Jake - Actually a lot. Amir - Yeah. (Emily is sat by Amir at his desk, Jake approaches his desk) EMILY: I need some more money. AMIR: I know. EMILY: Like-- AMIR: Yeah. Yes, yes. (to Jake) Oh, Jake! (chuckles) Emily meet Jake, Jake meet my daughter, Emily. JAKE: OK, I'm going to work from home today. (calling out) If anybody needs me, I'm going to be on e-mail and Facebook chat. AMIR: Hey, hey, hey, hey. My daughter came in today. Do us the courtesy. JAKE: OK, Emily it's nice to meet you and I'm sorry, no offense, but I just don't want to-- AMIR: Yo, yo bro. Eyes up here, OK? She's underage. JAKE: I was looking at you. AMIR: Yeah, well she's nineteen so. JAKE: OK, well then she's not underage. AMIR: She's under your age. She's under your age. JAKE: That's not what that means though. AMIR: You pervert, justifying it to me like I'm a judge. JAKE: Shut up! How do you have a nineteen year old daughter? AMIR: Trust me. You don't want to know. (chuckles) JAKE: You know what? You're probably right. So I actually don't-- AMIR: I walked into a sperm bank when I was nine-- (over Amir) JAKE: I thought we just agreed that we're going to-- AMIR: --ready to go 'cause, 'cause-- JAKE: --No! AMIR: --cause I was strapped-- JAKE: Stop talking! AMIR: 'cause-- JAKE: I don't want to know. AMIR: I was strapped for cash. (just Amir) And my illegal guardian was being a douche. JAKE: They cannot possibly allow a nine year old to donate sperm. AMIR: They don't. That's why I tried to adopt this dumb-ass orphan on a whim. Ready for the rub? JAKE: No! You know what? I'm not. And by the way, I just looked it up on my work calendar on my phone, it's not Bring-Your-Daughter-To-Work Day. AMIR: I'm trying to get her a freaking externship, OK? Do you realize how hard that is? Sorry for caring. JAKE: You don't care. You just called her a dumb-ass orphan to her face. AMIR: So anyway, I tried to adopt this dumb-ass orphan-- JAKE: Again. AMIR: --but they wouldn't let nine year olds do that either. JAKE: So how is she your daughter? AMIR: I just met her at the freaking mall outside of a Hotdog-On-A-Stick and she called me 'daddy', demanding that I buy her lunch and take her and her friends on a six day shopping spree. JAKE: Gotcha, so she's not your daughter, she's a con-artist. EMILY: Wait, you keep your work calendar on your phone? JAKE: Yeah. EMILY: What a dork! (they laugh) AMIR: Emily go to your room! (Emily gets up to leave) Sorry about that, I shouldn't have yelled. (hands her money) Go get yourself a Jamba Juice, can I have a peanut butter mood, please? Thank you. (Emily exits) She is a burden but she means well. JAKE: No, she doesn't. AMIR: Talk about my daughter again like that and I will end you. I will break your neck! STREETER: (with a funny accent) Oh, oh, oh! Who's talking about my niece like that?! AMIR: Jake. JAKE: You guys aren't brothers. STREETER: I'LL BREAK YOUR F**KING NECK! AMIR: He'll break your neck. JAKE: (to Streeter) Why are you talking like that? AMIR: 'Cause your neck is broken, my friend. STREETER: Already broken. AMIR: It's already broken-- JAKE: What are you talking about? AMIR: When your neck is broken, you hear accents. JAKE: You hear his accent. AMIR: I hear his accent because my neck it broken. I broke it on the way to work today. THE END. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPPWBX3A5eo