JAKE: Okay, you know why I called you in here? AMIR: Because you don't know where your wallet is. JAKE: (Reaches for wallet) No, I have - Damn it! Amir pulls out Jake's wallet JAKE: I want you to sign up for a dating service. AMIR: Okay, I'm not interested, so. Let's play Snood! JAKE: No, no, no, no. I don't care if you're interested or not, okay. I need you to leave me alone. Meet new people. AMIR: Okay. <hr> AMIR: Username! "JakeAndAmir". JAKE: God, fine. AMIR: Password. Turn around... Jake hides his eyes with his hand. AMIR: How do you spell your mom's maiden name? JAKE: It's "Krick". AMIR: (yelling) I know what it is! I wanna how to spell it. JAKE: Well, I'll put it in. AMIR: Okay, but close your eyes. Jake closes his eyes while typing. <hr> JAKE: Okay, relationship status. AMIR: Single and ready to tingle. JAKE: Mingle, I think you mean. AMIR: No, no, no, I wanna get like a tingly sensation when I meet a girl. It just shows that maybe she's the one for me. JAKE: That's kind of nice. AMIR: AKA a boner. JAKE: AKA a, okay. AMIR: A bone-sauce. JAKE: Gross. <hr> JAKE: How often do you drink? AMIR: Never. JAKE: You never drink alcohol? AMIR: Oh alc- I thought it meant water. <hr> JAKE: Okay, your height. AMIR: Put "two feet and nine inches". JAKE: What? AMIR: Because I have two feet, (wiggling his fingers, high-pitched voice) and nine inches! JAKE: So you think your fingers are inches, but you only have nine of them. AMIR: Yeeee-no. <hr> JAKE: Eye color. AMIR: Blue. JAKE: Nope. AMIR: Okay. Oh, I thought you said "hair". JAKE: Still no. AMIR: Okay. I thought you said "sky". JAKE: Closer. <hr> JAKE: Alright, distance you want your match to be. AMIR: Okay, whatever, dude. Love knows no bounds, right? Like as long as they're in New York City though. JAKE: Okay so-- AMIR: Love is- like if they're within 3 miles of me, love is boundless. JAKE: Got it. So 3 miles. AMIR: But, they have to be close because (hugs Jake) I'm a cuddler-- JAKE: Get--! <hr> JAKE: Alright. Interests. What do you do for fun? AMIR: I mean, my cousin owns a laser tag place in Queens. JAKE: Okay, so laser tag. AMIR: Wuwait, no. For fun, we rummage through the kids' backpacks while they're playing laser tag and we look for juice. JAKE: ... AMIR: Once we find the juice, we drink it. JAKE: Stop there. <hr> JAKE: How often do you work out? AMIR: Never ever, ever! JAKE: Kay, well I'll put "never" cause there's no-- AMIR: Wuwuwait. I want to imply that I never will. <hr> JAKE: Okay, describe your education. AMIR: K through! (pretends to shoot basketball) JAKE: K through 12? AMIR: No no no, I went through kindergarten and then I was through. <hr> JAKE: What race best describes you? AMIR: Easy. Asian, cuz, I'm good at math. JAKE: Okay. I'm just- I'm gonna put that you're racist. AMIR: Okay. <hr> JAKE: Okay. I think we're done. We just need to upload a picture of you. AMIR: Oh, yo yo yo yo, check this one out. It's my favorite picture of me. Amir shows Jake a picture on his phone. JAKE: Eugh. AMIR: It's from the laser tag place. JAKE: Yeah, you are covered in juice. AMIR: (Laughs) Yeah, I'm still sticky. JAKE: I smell it. I can smell it. Was that recently? AMIR: Yeah, it was like two weeks ago. Three weeks ago. END.