INTRO AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and I'm gonna be rich! JAKE: Why? AMIR: Money, honey! JAKE: Nice. AMIR: Okay... [Jake is sitting on a couch. Amir joins him.] AMIR: Good news! Gonna finally heed your advice. JAKE: Washing your hands after you shit? Not stealing from sleeping homeless women? Holding yourself accountable, morally and professionally, for a-- AMIR: [yelling over Jake] I'm going to apply for a credit card. JAKE: I never said that. I never said that-- do the washing your hands one. AMIR: One step at a time. [Amir opens his laptop. It's facing away from him.] JAKE: Backwards computer. AMIR: Oh, backw--... [On the screen is nothing but an image of Jake.] JAKE: Come on. [Amir tries to cover the screen with his hands.] AMIR: First thing's first: I'm the realest. [laughs] JAKE: First thing's first is your social security number. AMIR: Don't have one. JAKE: I know you don't have one. AMIR: [singing] 'Cause I'm so fancy! [speaking] Also I'm an illegal alien. JAKE: [simultaneously] You're an illegal alien. AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: I already know. AMIR: Can't wait to rack up these points! JAKE: What do you need points for? AMIR: Miles. JAKE: For what? AMIR: Trips. JAKE: To go where? AMIR: ...Points. JAKE: Cool. AMIR: Miles. [Jake doesn't react. Amir becomes concerned.] AMIR: ...Miles? ...Miles! JAKE: My name's Jake. JAKE: [reading the screen] "What's the largest purchase you've ever made?" AMIR: Oh, actually, I spent a hundred and ten thousand Euro on a koi fish once. JAKE: A koi fish? AMIR: Well technically a dolphin, but it was a coy little fish. [laughs] Little bugger was playing hard to get. We actually met each other-- have you ever been to the Maldives, or Mall-dives, or whatever? JAKE: You know what? I don't want to know anything else, about you, or the dolphins. Stop talking! AMIR: My credit score is so low, someone once stole my identity, felt bad, and gave it back. JAKE: Is that a tweet? AMIR: It's a truth! ...Ruth! AMIR: I'm actually down to open a joint checking account with you. You know I do have tens of millions of dollars. JAKE: Okay. AMIR: But, here's the trick: you do have to tell people about it. JAKE: How many people? AMIR: ...Seventy. JAKE: No deal. AMIR: Aah, no no no, nineteen. JAKE: Alright, now I feel bad. AMIR: Aah-- two! JAKE: I feel bad. AMIR: I'm serious, dude. My credit score is so low, I couldn't get approved for a birthday card. [tugs his collar] JAKE: Stop roasting yourself. AMIR: Phyllis Diller is here... AMIR: So what you're saying is once I have this magic card, I can buy whatever I want, like a vehicle, or a three-bean salad, or a Mr. Skin Pro account? JAKE: It's not a magic card. Yeah, you can buy whatever you want, as long as-- AMIR: I know, but I can get, like, a salami sandwich, some Silly Putty, and, let's say, I don't know, a Mr. Skin Pro account? JAKE: Right. As long as you pay the m-- AMIR: Can I get a Mr. Skin Pro account with-- JAKE: You already have one. Look at this. You've had it for two years, and you owe a lot of money. AMIR: My credit score is so low, Flo Rida wrote a song about it. JAKE: "Low"? AMIR: "Whistle"! [begins blowing air in Jake's face in an attempt to whistle] JAKE: Your breath is so bad. AMIR: What I'm in dire need of is actually dolphin food. Or dolphin medicine. Or... JAKE: ...Dolphin-- AMIR: Caskets, yeah. Exactly right. JAKE: Not what I was gonna say. AMIR: Because you can stuff it into a human casket? JAKE: Of course not. AMIR: No, you can't. AMIR: Call me Han! Because my credit score is... JAKE: So low. AMIR: ...out of this world! JAKE: Bad. [Amir coos like a pigeon. Jake cringes at his breath.] JAKE: Really bad. AMIR: You know, human caskets, not too terrible of an idea. JAKE: Didn't say it. AMIR: If you just wiggle that dorsal fin back and forth like you're peeling off a soda tab, you know, [as he mimes trying to tear off a dorsal fin] A, B, C... and then whatever letter it lands on, that girl has a crush on you? JAKE: What do you mean, "lands on"? AMIR: [miming ripping off the fin, making Jake wince] Like if it gets ripped off on S, you're gonna marry a Samantha...! JAKE: You're a monster. AMIR: Now I understand to build my credit score, I need to make my payments in a timely fashion. JAKE: Right, so-- AMIR: Okay, and if I don't will they hack my nuts off? [Jake doesn't respond.] AMIR: Then I'm good. JAKE: They're not gonna hack your nuts off-- AMIR: Then I'm good. JAKE: --but you'll go into debt and they'll take away your possessions-- AMIR: But my nuts? Are they gonna take away my most prized possession? My family jewels? ...I'm okay then. AMIR: Mirror, mirror, on the wa-- [hits a key] "Denied". How is that normal? JAKE: It's very normal. It's very normal because under "Debt" you wrote "150K dolphin fee", under "Address" you wrote "Fuck off NSA", and under "Annual Income"-- I don't even know how you did this, 'cause it's a drop-down menu-- but you wrote "Flappy the dolphin is my guarantor; give me the gold card". AMIR: [crying] I wanted the points! I wanted the points, I needed the miles, and I could have really used a trip. [closes his laptop] Least I got my nuts. [Amir looks down. With a horrified look, he feels his lap.] AMIR: ...Dude! END