INTRO AMIR: Ho, ho, ho, you’re watching Jake and Amir! JAKE: Wrong holiday, bad Santa impression. AMIR: Boo! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [JAKE sits on a couch alone, looking down at his phone. Suddenly, AMIR slides into frame, clad in a bee costume complete with wings and antennae.] AMIR: Halloween is fixing to ‘bee’ lit this year. JAKE: Not really. AMIR: Don’t be a buzzkill or you might get... stung! [AMIR jabs JAKE in the arm with a tiny needle.] JAKE: OW! What the fuck was that?! AMIR: I got this little needle from behind a medical clinic. I figure I can prick any prick that questions my ‘fly’ costume. JAKE: Yeah, it’s a bee costume. [AMIR jabs JAKE a few more times — once in the arm, once in the leg.] JAKE: Kn— AH! Knock it o— AH! QUIT IT! [Cut to AMIR shirtless with a lamb ear headband.] AMIR: Baaaah... I contracted the Lambda variant! JAKE: Did you? AMIR: I do feel, like, really, really hot [cough] and— [Cut to AMIR in a banana costume.] AMIR: Is there a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see ME? JAKE: Sorry, you think you’re in my pocket? AMIR: No, is there a banana in your pocket? JAKE: Yeah, but you’re dressed as a banana, and you’re asking me— AMIR: [seemingly holding the needle again] I’m just asking if you have an erection to see me. If you’re hardened by the fact that I’m here as a... banana. [AMIR pokes JAKE with the needle.] JAKE: OW— [Cut back to AMIR in the lamb ears.] AMIR: Lung-wise, it’s difficult to— JAKE: Go isolate. [AMIR begins to cough. He gets up, turning around so his back side faces JAKE, which exposes the lamb tail attached to the back of his pants. JAKE attempts to avert his eyes.] [Cut to AMIR in a pickle costume.] AMIR: Oh, help, I’m in a pickle. JAKE: Nice. Bet you’re kind of a ‘big dill’, right? AMIR: ...Why do you feel the need to steal all my thunder all the time? JAKE: I was playing along. AMIR: Yes, and now every girl in a five mile radius wants to blow you instead of me. [Cut to AMIR in a Donald Trump mask.] AMIR: [impersonating Donald Trump] Such a nasty woman. JAKE: Leave. AMIR: I will. [Cut back to AMIR in the pickle costume.] AMIR: Chicks dig a guy with a good personality. JAKE: Yeah, and you don’t have one. AMIR: Exactly, because of the fucking— what’d you say? JAKE: You don’t even know what I said. AMIR: You were joking about shoving a pickle up my ass in front of every fucking girl here. JAKE: [exasperated] WHAT GIRL?! [Cut to JAKE and AMIR both dressed as matching playing cards — AMIR is the Queen of Hearts, and JAKE is the King of Hearts.] AMIR: Well? JAKE: Yeah, no way. AMIR: I’ll give you five thousand dollars. JAKE: Ten thousand. AMIR: Deal. JAKE: And you don’t go to the party. AMIR: ...Deal. JAKE: Great. AMIR: But you have to ask where I am. JAKE: No. AMIR: Once! JAKE: No. AMIR: [satisfied nod] Mm! [JAKE holds out his hand and AMIR shakes it happily.] [Cut to AMIR in a viking costume.] AMIR: Walk the plank with ya! JAKE: You’re thinking of a pilot. AMIR: A pilot? JAKE: A pirate, I meant— I just said— AMIR: No you said— JAKE: Yeah. AMIR: —you said pilot. JAKE: I misspoke. AMIR: [getting his phone out] Hah! I gotta call your mom! JAKE: Why? AMIR: Heheheh. [Cut to AMIR in a clown mask, sitting closer to JAKE than in the other shots, with his hands on his knees.] JAKE: I hate it, man. Clowns really freak me out. Wish you would just take that— [AMIR slides onto the couch in his iconic penguin costume. The man between them is, decidedly, not AMIR.] AMIR: Hey, you remember this one? JAKE: [getting up and running away] Oh my god, run. Run, run, run! [Cut back to AMIR in the viking costume. He is on the phone.] AMIR: Jake called me a pilot! A pilot! Well, I’m— basically I’m, like, we’re doing, like, this costume— JAKE: It’s hard for her to understand, right? AMIR: Yeah, I have to, like— JAKE: Yeah. AMIR: —explain it. [Cut to AMIR wearing a hand sanitizer costume. Instead of JAKE, the MAN IN THE CLOWN MASK sits next to him silently.] AMIR: This one’s topical! Heh. ‘Cause it’s like... have you seen Jake? [Cut to AMIR in a striped suit, red tie, and shades.] AMIR: I’m a mob boss, see? Now gimme candy or I’ll stab you to the fishes! JAKE: Stab you to the fishes? AMIR: With this little tack. JAKE: Yeah, you’re a grown up. You’re an adult. Just go to the store and buy candy. AMIR: I don’t know what store to go to! JAKE: You can go to ANY fucking store! AMIR: I don’t have a Garmin! You know that about me! [Cut to AMIR wearing a Buzz Lightyear costume.] AMIR: To infinity and I’m gone! JAKE: Will you just learn the fucking phrase? AMIR: What phase? What phase? JAKE: Phrase! AMIR: [putting his arms up defensively] Phrase. Okay! [Cut to AMIR in a Oz-like Scarecrow costume.] AMIR: [singing] I would not be such a nothin’, my head all full of stuffin’, my heart all full of pain! JAKE: God, my heart all full of pain? That is so sad. That really made me depressed for you. [Cut to AMIR in a nun costume.] AMIR: Call me sister act. You wanna know why? JAKE: [defeated] Why? AMIR: Because I just made Whoopi. In my pants. [Cut back to AMIR in the Scarecrow costume, looking forlorn.] JAKE: Like, you barely knew the Buzz Lightyear line, but you nailed that. AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: That was, like, you went to a place for that performance. [Cut to AMIR in a hippie vest with shades. He throws two peace signs.] AMIR: [in a strange accent] Hey, dead ass, keep it a hundred, man. JAKE: What? AMIR: I actually don’t know what this one is. JAKE: Right. [Cut back to AMIR in the Scarecrow costume.] JAKE: Why don’t you get out of here? AMIR: Why don’t we get out of here? JAKE: Why don’t you go by yourself? AMIR: Why don’t we go, yeah. I’ll go, yeah. I’ll go solo dolo, then. Meet up with you later. THE END