INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching a really spooky episode of Jake and Amir? AMIR: [panicked] Is it actually scary? [Jake is on the couch. Amir sits down, wearing a literal big foot costume.] AMIR: [sighs] Halloween time, and there is trouble afoot. [laughs] JAKE: Awesome. "Bigfoot". Go with it. AMIR: No, no. I wanted a bigger reaction. Let me give you some more options. JAKE: No, no no no-- [Amir is dressed as a doctor in scrubs.] AMIR: Fun thing about this costume: you can wear it after Halloween, and get into hospitals pretty easily. JAKE: Why do you need to get into hospitals? AMIR: For fun little pranks! Like two weeks ago, I walk up to a family of four in a waiting room who's [air quotes] "awaiting news", and I'm just covered in fake blood, and I go, "I'm... so sorry." They start bawling, I can't even keep a straight face! Funny thing is, three minutes later, the real doctor comes in and tells them that their little boy had indeed actually passed away. I felt... vindicated! [Amir is wearing an illusion costume of a baby in a mother's backpack carrier.] JAKE: ...Of course not. AMIR: Wahhh! [Amir is wearing another illusion costume, made to look like he is riding a turkey.] AMIR: I think I'll quit candy next year... cold turkey! [chuckles] JAKE: [feeling Amir's forehead] Yeah, your forehead is freezing. It's like a chilled glassy mug. How do you do that? AMIR: Legally, I'm dead. JAKE: I wish, man. AMIR: Mean. [Amir is dressed in a Ghostbusters costume.] AMIR: I ain't afraid of no ghost! JAKE: You absolutely are afraid of ghosts. You called me last night in tears because you were afraid a boogeyman was outside your window, trying to scare you. AMIR: He was. JAKE: You said he was staring at you from across the street, threatening you with cue cards, 'cause he didn't know how to speak? AMIR: That's right. [Amir is wearing a Maleficent gown costume.] AMIR: Who's gonna refuse to give me candy? JAKE: You go trick-or-treating? I thought this was for a costume party. AMIR: What's a costume part? [Amir is in the Ghostbusters costume, and Jake is continuing the story.] JAKE: The boogeyman's cue card said "I can see you, you spendthrift, you Jew spendthrift. Now come down here and give me cash or I'll boogie you." AMIR: That's correct. JAKE: You also mentioned the other side of his sign said "Why lie? I need pot", so I think you might have just gotten swindled by a homeless man. AMIR: Perhaps, maybe. Mayhaps, probably. JAKE: Probably. [Amir is dressed in a German costume with lederhosen. The liquid in his beer stein is a shade of yellow completely unlike beer.] AMIR: [in a German accent] You Americans have Halloween, we call it Oktoberfest. Prost! JAKE: Did you piss in that? AMIR: Ja, ja, I had to make it a bit yellow. [dips his finger in and sniffs it] [Amir is in the Ghostbusters costume. Jake continues.] JAKE: When you finally approached the boogeyman with twenty-five hundred dollars in cash, he said "This isn't enough. Get ready, I'm gonna boogie you." [Amir flinches.] So you ran away to the nearest ATM, and took out even more money. AMIR: Yeah, the boogeyman's appetite for cash was insatiable, to be sure. But, I stood up for myself. I refused to be boogied. JAKE: [waving his hands at Amir] Boogie-boogie-boogie-boogie! AMIR: [raising his hands in self-defense and throwing cash at Jake] Aaah! Take my cash! [Amir is dressed as Leonidas.] JAKE: Dumb costume. AMIR: [scoffs] Madness? JAKE: I didn't say "madness". AMIR: [standing up, preparing to kick Jake] This is Sparta! [Amir is dressed as a prisoner. He seems to have lost all energy.] AMIR: Jake, I'm exhausted... I'm tired of this. JAKE: Me too. AMIR: It's year in, year out, and it wears on you. JAKE: It really does, every day. AMIR: It's fatigue. JAKE: It is. AMIR: That's what it is. I feel... drained. [Amir is in the Leonidas costume, and Jake is reeling from a kick in the chest.] JAKE: Ohhh, you can't just go around kicking people in the chest, man! God, that's a dated costume! AMIR: Dated? [Amir stands up again.] JAKE: Alright, stop. Hey. AMIR: [preparing to kick Jake again] This is Sparta! JAKE: Don't, don't-- [Amir, in the prisoner costume, continues his lament.] AMIR: Look at me. JAKE: I know. I'm telling you, this is self-reflection right now. It really feels like it's... it feels healthy-- AMIR: [suddenly energetic again] I'm doing a character! You idiot! [laughs] Gay prisoner! [Amir is wearing an inflatable military costume.] AMIR: Sergeant [bleep] reporting for duty, sir, in the Puffy Army. JAKE: How is this even a costume? And can you please not say [bleep] in the office? AMIR: I don't have to listen to you, [bleep]. I report to Colonel [bleep]. In the Puffy Army... [bleep] Division. [Amir is wearing a bull rider illusion costume.] AMIR: [doing a Southern accent] Oh hey, partner! Don't mind me, I'm just fuckin' a cow! JAKE: You mean riding a bull. AMIR: Oh... never mind. JAKE: You thought this was a "fucking a cow" costume? AMIR: Never mind! JAKE: And when you said you spent a month at bull-riding camp, were you fucking cows? AMIR: Never mind! END