INTRO: AMIR: (to the tune of Do Re Mi Fa) Doe, Amir, a female mir JAKE: (with little passion) Ray, a drop of golden-- AMIR: (crying) You said you would at least try! [Jake is using his computer in the conference room.] (Amir enters and sticks his head to Jake's) AMIR: AAAH! Hah, head magnets! Hah. Ah, I was just thinking about our camping trip. JAKE: Still? AMIR: It was.. insane. JAKE: Yes. You were insane. AMIR: I just lost myself in the wilderness, you know? JAKE: And I found you, with the park ranger, three days later, unconscious in a stream. AMIR: (yelling) Ok I was THIRSTY! AMIR: What are you working on? JAKE: It's that program I told you about, the Big Brother program. You know it's a good cause, you should sign up. AMIR: It sounds amazing, I just- I just don't know... JAKE: If you have the time? AMIR: No I just don't know.. what it is. JAKE: You sign up and they pair you with a kid. AMIR: Can I choose who I get? JAKE: No. AMIR: Well I just don't want a stupid one. JAKE: I already said no. AMIR: What if I get one, and it can't talk? JAKE: Please don't call them it. AMIR: How are you gonna have time to do this with our daily summer barbecue and Yu-Gi-Oh! sessions coming up?-- JAKE: Daily what sessions? AMIR: What? AMIR: Oh, maybe I can be your little brother. AMIR: I'm gonna teach my little bro everything my old man never taught me. JAKE: Cool. AMIR: Like how to-- Oh, like how to fill up gas, or how to swing on a swing, or swing a bat, or how to brush.. hair OR teeth-- AMIR: Who do I have to cuss out to get two little brothers, you know?-- JAKE: That wouldn't work. AMIR: (continuing his list) ...how to impress others, how other can impress you, magic... the Gathering, and just regular magic... AMIR: (staring seriously at Jake) I'm gonna use the C word. AMIR: (continuing his list) ...or how to laugh, or how to chew, how to wipe... JAKE: (wincing out of disgust) You don't have to teach them how to wipe, alright, I think they're like thirteen. AMIR: Huh ok you're right, too soon, don't force it, UNLESS-- JAKE: N-no forcing.. anything! AMIR: If I have to pay even one cent to this program then I don't wanna do it, you know? JAKE: You don't have to pay anything, but that's a terrible attitude anyway. AMIR: (loudly) Not one...... nickel. (winces in hope of being right) JAKE: Penny. AMIR: (yelling) FU-- AMIR: (rapping) Alright let's say day one doesn't go according to plan, so I plan to ditch this little bugger, is that kosh? JAKE: (imitating Amir's tone) Oh, lemme put in your language: no boy, it ain't kosh! AMIR: (rapping) Yo, that ain't enough from discouraging me from signing up, messin' up his little life-- JAKE: (loudly) Well it SHOULD. AMIR: Oh my gosh, look at us. (laughing) We're in the prime of our youth, and we're talking about helping out little kids! We should be getting laid! (Jake gets up and leaves.) AMIR: Where are you going? Are you going to get laid? Get me one! END.