INTRO JAKE: Hey, you’re watching Jake and Amir. AMIR: Merry Christmas! JAKE: Really late. AMIR: And a happy New Year, I was gonna say. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ JAKE: Wow. [AMIR exhales a chuckle.] JAKE: Where have you been for 8 months? AMIR: I honestly don’t remember. JAKE: You browned out. AMIR: I think so. JAKE: Wow, very cool. [AMIR laughs.] JAKE: Um, I guess happy 40th. Uh— [AMIR gets a text and picks up his phone to check the message.] JAKE: —did you do anything fun or interesting for the ol’— AMIR: [in serious disbelief] No. No. JAKE: No, you didn’t do anything fun, or— AMIR: No… [AMIR puts a hand to his head and exhales in stressed shock.] JAKE: Is everything okay? What text did you just get? AMIR: [stressed] It starts: ‘surprise! You have BEEN!’ [half-sob] And it just gets worse from there! JAKE: What does it say? AMIR: ‘You have been smacked by the Christmas Cock Monster!’ [AMIR turns his phone around to reveal the text.] JAKE: It’s February. AMIR: [beginning to sob] Ugh! ‘Right in your face, thwack! There’s just one rule: you can’t cock slap someone who’s already cock slapped you!’ JAKE: Alright, you’re not smart enough to have a panic attack. AMIR: [starting to choke and breathe heavily, placing his hand on his neck] Try to cock sl... my fucking throat is closing! JAKE: You’re choking yourself! AMIR: I’ve already— I’ve already smacked you— [releases his hand from his throat] JAKE: See? Better. AMIR: —in your face [nods] yeah— JAKE: Right? Okay. AMIR: [continuing to read] ‘I’ve already smacked you in your face so you can’t cock slap me. Good luck.’ I’m DEAD! JAKE: It’s just a chain text, alright? A really immature chain text! AMIR: Yeah, if it’s a chain text then why does it say ‘pass the Christmas Cock Monster to 10 of your tightest bros to give them big cock and massive gains in this 2023’?! JAKE: BECAUSE THAT’S HOW CHAIN TEXTS WORK! That’s exactly how a chain text would work! AMIR: [crying] WHY??? JAKE: You know, the way you’re behaving is way more embarrassing than actually receiving that text. AMIR: Forget this. Run away with me. Choose a fucking country in South America and let’s move there, away from all this, away from the fucking Cock Monster! He won’t find us there! JAKE: Who even sent that to you? Alright, give me your phone. [AMIR throws his phone over JAKE’s shoulder. It lands behind him.] JAKE: W... What is that? AMIR: [rubbing his eyes] Oh my god, read it and weep. JAKE: [reading from AMIR’s phone] This text is from 45212. I mean, how is that even— AMIR: It’s a fucking autogenerated bot that I trolled after donating to a local election! JAKE: Marjorie Taylor Greene’s. Nice. You know what? Maybe you should run away. AMIR: Why? So then the Cock Monster just wins? Oh, that would be real nice. JAKE: Okay, great. Then text 10 friends. Okay? [JAKE tosses the phone back at AMIR but it hits his chest and falls to the floor.] AMIR: [sarcastically] That’s brilliant! Text 10 friends. Why didn’t I think of that? JAKE: I don’t know. AMIR: Oh, wait, it’s because I only have 3 friends. You, Parm, and 911. JAKE: Who cares?! What even happens if you don’t text the Cock Monster to 10 people? AMIR: He will call me and he will kill you. JAKE: The Christmas Cock Monster. Calls you and kills ME. [AMIR’s phone begins to ring. He looks at the caller ID.] AMIR: NO! JAKE: Yeah, right. AMIR: No fucking way, man. [AMIR turns the phone around to show JAKE. The call is from the Cock Monster.] JAKE: [in terror] Don’t pick it up. AMIR: [shaking his head] I need to. JAKE: Don’t pick it up. AMIR: [against his will] I— JAKE: Don’t fucking answer it! [AMIR answers the phone.] COCK MONSTER: Ho, ho... AMIR: [overlapping] NOOOOOOOO!!! JAKE: [overlapping] NOOOOOOOO!!! THE END