INTRO Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, ya dopehead! (laughs) Jake: Why is that funny? Amir: I don't know. Amir: You don't even care that today's my half birthday. Jake: I don't think it is. Amir: So I was right! Cheryl: Special delivery from accounting. Amir: I didn't ask for anything. Cheryl: Yeah, you asked for a receipt, are you sure? Amir: Aaah, no! Cheryl: Yes! Amir: He didn't! Cheryl: He did! Cheryl and Amir: (screams) Amir: Oh my god, let me see that rock, girl! Damn! Did you win the Super Bowl or get engaged! Cheryl: Four carats! Todd's a lawyer, so... Jake: Alright, who's Todd? Amir: Ok, ok, aaah! Tell me everything! Cheryl: Ok, ok. So you know how him mom, like, hates me? Amir: Mhm. Cheryl: Ok, so as a big fuck you to her, her dad is like really sick... Amir: (laughs) Yeah. Cheryl: I know, so lame. So I show up at the house.. Jake (interrupting): Hey dude, you gonna apologize to me for the cork? Cheryl: Jake, you pussy? Amir: Cheryl's getting married. Cheryl: I'm getting married. Jake: Alright, you guys can't drink in the office. Also, who are you? Amir: Cheryl is one of my oldest friends. Jake: Fine. Amir: Don't worry, we're still besties. Jake: I don't care. Amir: You fucking prick. Jake: Don't do this. Come on. Cheryl: Be strong, Amir. Amir: Yeah I'm trying to, but you treat me like such shit sometimes. Jake: Come on, don't be a pussy. Cheryl: Hey! Don't say that word in front of me. Jake: You just called me a pussy. Cheryl: Don't say that around me, that's messed up. Jake: What are you talking about? Cheryl: You are lucky that my best friend in the world has a mancrush on you. Otherwise, I'd stab you in the face. I wouldn't think anything of it. Jake: Your best friend in the whole world? I've known Amir for 5 years, and I've just heard of you. Cheryl: Yeah, we met yesterday. Jake: You said you were his oldest friend. Cheryl: I'm 50. Thank you for saying I look fantastic. Jake: I didn't say it, but you do. Amir: I want you out of my life. Jake: None of that stuff is mine. Cheryl: Take the stuff, pussy. Amir: Pussy, take the stuff please, pussy, because I'm really starting to get sad now, pussy. Jake: Now you guys are both saying pussy. Cheryl: AY AY AY AY AY!