Jake: Hey you're watching Jake and Amir. Amir: Unless I've been cancelled. Jake: You should be. Amir: Why? Amir: Can't joke about... What? I was thinking you can't joke about anything. Can't joke about anything anymore. So fucked up. I feel like you can't joke about anything anymore. That's so fucked up. Huh. You couldn't do that today. I feel like you can't joke about anything anymore. Jake, I feel like you can't— Jake: Can't joke about anything anymore. Yes, I heard you. Comedy is dead. Great. You were never that funny. Amir: Unless you want to get cancelled? Yeah, that's pretty much the case. Jake: Who is cancelling you? Amir: Culture. Cancel culture. Jake: No. Amir: I did a comedy set last night. You want to know what happened? Jake: It went poorly. Amir: Wrong! It went bizarre. Frankly, I wish it went poorly. It was so fucking random. The audience didn't just turn on a dime, they turned on a mime. Jake: Oh, god, that sucked. Yeah, them not liking that isn't you being cancelled, by the way. Amir: Yeah, well now I'm losing fucking brand deals over this shit. Jake: Who was sponsoring you? Amir: Fucking Mercedes, Ford, uh, Adidas. These are big, big deal companies. Jake: No, I know. They're big deal companies. They're not sponsoring you. Amir: They're proctor and gamble level sponsorships. Jake: What are they sponsoring you for? Amir: They have me wear their brand. Jake: Procter and Gamble has you wear its brand? Amir: I would wear like a Pepsi hat and they would give me a sponsorship money and they're pulling out. All the endorsements are gone. Jake: I see you trending on YouTube right now. "Thin open mic comedian faints over and over again on stage." Amir: And if you're not too woke to press play, you can actually see what the material is. I actually skewer the left and the right equally between multiple passing. Jake: Justin Turdeau, yeah. And there's the faint. Wow, nobody's even trying to help you. Amir: Gee, I wonder why that is. Jake: Because you're an asshole. Amir: How about you check your privilege? Jake: How about you check your blood sugar level? Why are you this prone to passing out? Amir: Because the woke liberal mob took my joke, simple job. Taylor Swift? Jake: Not what you said the first time. Amir: Twaylor Swift at football games much? Charmed, I'm sure. They show her a lot, you're not upset about that. Jake: Why do you care? Why do you care? Amir: Why do I care? What do I care? Are you actually this dumb, or are you pretending to stick your head up the ass? You're either dumb or you're not paying attention. Trust me, I'm both. Jake: Yeah, you are both. Did you say Twayler Swift? Amir: Taylor Swift, at football games, they show her a lot. And my blood boils at the thought of this feminista billionaire being fucking cut to every other minute during the Super Bowl. You don't realize that the whole thing's a fucking Hunter Biden's Macintosh ad? The whole thing's a fucking Pfizer commercial for a vaccination because it's scripted. The game is scripted. They kiss at the end and the entire thing makes me— Jake: You're faiting. I think you're fainting. You're fainting again. Amir: I'm being canceled. God's cancelling me. Jake: No, you're being— yep you're being epileptic. Amir: I'm being apoplectic! Because the whole thing's a fucking dog and pony show. You got canceled from the left, haters on the right. I put it all together and I football all night. And after the ad, it's a Pfizer ad. And after the vaccine, it's the Fauci getting mad. Jake: Nice. Amir: Really? Jake: No, I mean, I just wanted you to stop, so I said "nice," 'cause I thought- Amir: Hearing you compliment me, actually, takes a load off Annie— Jake: Please stop singing. Amir: I feel good now, I appreciate that. Jake: You're not mad anymore. Amir: Yeah, I think I was just upset about other shit and taking it out on this lady I really don't know much about, quite frankly. Jake: Yeah, you're lonely and dumb. Amir: I'm smart and ignorant, I think, and like it got to me in a way. Jake: Scared and ignorant. Amir: Yeah, aging well is all. Jake: Didn't say that. Amir: I think I'm just smart and aging well. Jake: Yeah, not aging well, but aging. Amir: I look good and I sound good for the times. Jake: Being left behind. Amir: I choked on a pig in the blanket last weekend. A tiny little sausage got lodged in my throat. So I ended up going to the EMT, they ran a bunch of tests. Guess what they said? Jake: That they wish you were dead. Amir: I had hyperthyroidism. What's that? Amir: Fucking Ford, Nike, Adidas. These are big trillion dollar companies and they're all pulling out of the game. Jake: They are, I know they are. Amir: Have you heard of none of these things? Jake: You're not— You naming them doesn't make them sponsoring you. Amir: Twaylor Swift at football games match? Jake: Who? Amir: Enchanté! Fucking idiot! Jake: You said Twaylor! Amir: Twaylor Swift at football games match? Jake: No! Amir: Charmed I'm sure! You fucking idiot! Twaylor Swift at football games match? Charmed I'm sure! Are you actually this dumb or are you pretending to stick your head up the ass? You're either pissed off or you're not paying attention. Which is it? Jake: I'm both. Amir: Twaylor Swift? At football games much? Canceled from the left, haters on the right. I put it all together and I football all night. And after the game it's the Biden ad. And after the ad it's the Pfizer ad. And after the party it's the hotel lobby.