[Introduction] Amir (in a "spooky" voice): Hey, you're watching a very special Hallowe'en episode of Jake- Jake (interrupting Amir): A couple months early, right? Amir: A couple months late [Jake is sitting on a couch, Amir enters and sits next to him holding a few sheets of paper] Amir: Hey, can you help me out with my bucket list? You know, flesh it out, make it a little longer Jake: I mean it's already really long. If anything it should be shorter. Amir: Yeah, I know. Let me ask you a question. Do you believe in me? 'Cause I just got off of the phone with my dad and he was Just berating me. Half an hour straight. Screaming. I didn't' even get a word in. Jake: Okay, first issue. Uh, there are a lot of duplicates here, like the first nine say "Find treasure". Amir: Really? Because duplicate means two, and you said the first nine are find treasure. So which one is it? Jake: Either way, let's just get rid of all the items that repeat. Amir: Either way, I'm just gonna look up the definition of duplicate and call you out on it. I'm sorry. That is too rich. Jake: Whoa! Mean text from your dad. Amir: Ignore. [Jump cut] Jake: You read #124 and tell me if it's something you really want to do. Amir: Eat a cockmeat sandwich panini-style. Extra cockmeat on rosemary focaccia, side of chips and a free soda. It better be free, I'm eating cockmeat after all. No, I guess not. Just white it out. Jake: I'm saying why'd you write cockmeat in the fir- Amir (interrupting Jake): Liquid paper! Jake: I'm saying why'd you wri- [Jump cut] Amir (on his phone): He had three kids; two of them are doctors and one's a royal pain in the ass, so that's not my fault. It's called not knowing how to raise yo' kids. [Jump cut] Jake (Amir now asleep on his shoulder): Here's one that's not on here that maybe should be. Do volunteer work. Amir: Yeah, I already have that. Okay? Check 419. Jake: No, 419 is what made me think of it because you wrote: "You don't owe the world a f***ing dime." That's not even a thing you can do, alright? That's just a mean idea to have. Amir: Okay, it's called I was carsick. Jake (shaking his head): What? [Jump cut] Amir (showing Jake his phone): Here we go, definition. Okay. Duplicate: a copy or replica of - okay, never mind. This is a hack website. Jake: dictionary.com? Amir: theonion.com?! [Jump cut] Jake: A lot of these are really conflicting. Amir: What do you mean? Jake: Okay, 91: Write a novel. Amir: Okay. Jake: #92: Set fire to a small, independently owned bookstore. Don't look back. Amir: Okay. Jake: #93: Don't ever look back. Amir: Right. Jake: 94: Give one glance, to make sure it's really happening. This is your moment. #95: Soak it in, you've earned one glance. #96: F*** it! Turn around fully and behold. You've earned this. Months of planning. It's all happening. Feel the warmth. 97: Tweet the picture, you've earned one tweet. Tweet a picture of you next to the fire holding up a shocker. Defiant and proud. This is your moment. Amir: Right, ninety-s-ninety-eight tho- Jake: Write another novel. Amir: Exactly. [Jump cut] Jake: This one's kinda nice. Climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower. Amir: Yeah, well read the next one. Jake: Start punching French women until their mustaches fall off. Amir: Yeah. And you can delete it, because I've already done it. [Jump cut] Jake: Put a cherry bomb in a mailbox? Amir: Ever heard of "because I was carsick"? Jake: Yeah, you said it like a minute ago and it didn't make sense. Maybe that's like an excuse that worked once before and you keep using it? Amir: Just pull over man. Jake: Gotcha... [Jump cut] Jake: Your last page is just an index. Amir: Exactly, it sort of categorizes all the items. You know, makes them easier to find. Jake: Okay, but you filed them all under- Jake and Amir: Miscellaneous! Amir: Which means- Jake: Ss- I'm talking. You filed them all under miscellaneous except for #99, which you filed under odds and ends. Amir: So, okay. So what's 99? (looks at page) So 91, 92... Jake: It's down here at the bottom, just chill out. I got it, okay? You- you said 99: Perfect! Why did you look back? Everything was going perfect. The bookstore was en fuego- Amir (interrupting Jake): On fire, in spanish. Jake: I know. Stop touching it, alright? Amir (mumbling): I know. Jake: You were golden and you looked back. You made this about you. You're weak. Amir: So... Jake: And this is what I can only imagine is a crude drawing of a- Amir (interrupting Jake): Cockmeat sandwich. Jake: Cockmeat sandwich. Amir: Yeah. Jake: Stop touching it. Amir: Okay. I'm not gonna touch it. Jake: You drew a cockmeat sandwich. Amir: You sound like my dad, man. [After Collegehumor logo, Amir is on the couch talking to his dad on the phone] Amir: Yeah, I- I'm not saying- I said yes as in I agree with you, that's it. (starting to cry) Yeah. Repeat it ba- I'm a piece- Let me repeat it back! You say repeat it back and then you keep on yelling. Now you're gonna- you're gonna feels bad 'cause I'm gonna cry. Yeah, here we go. Okay. Repeat after me: I'm a- I'm a piece of garbage.