INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. AMIR: That's it, huh. No "Hi"? JAKE: I said "Hey..." AMIR: You said "hey" not "hi!" JAKE: Are you upset that I didn't buy any cookies? AMIR: Whatever, right? Whatever. Isn't that what you said? JAKE: Because I'm upset that you showed up to work four hours late and you're wearing a skirt and you're trying to act like it's normal. AMIR: I'm a Brownie, okay, you can either deal with it or not. JAKE: I guess not. AMIR: Deal with it. JAKE: So I don't have that second option. AMIR: Options are for closers, alright. I gotta move a hundred and fifty boxes of Thin Mints and it tastes like chocolate-covered toothpaste, but a Brownie's gotta do what a Brownie's gotta do. And guess what? This Brownie? She's gotta do. JAKE: Nice. AMIR: Do you mean that? JAKE: No. AMIR: Thank you. JAKE: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that you're definitely not a Brownie, because I think if you tried to sign up they would arrest you for being a pedophile. AMIR: Read the sash. JAKE: You're not wearing a sash. AMIR: I have more patches than a frickin' rodeo, man. JAKE: Do they have patches there? AMIR: I don't know, probably! JAKE: Right, there's your badge for not giving a shit. [Amir points to badge confidently] JAKE: Doesn't sound official. AMIR: I officially don't care. JAKE: That pin says "Most Bitchly!" AMIR: Yeah! Yeah, it does, okay? But it's a reminder for me to not be such a bitchly! I'm a little ashamed about it but I keep it on! JAKE: Listen to your voice. AMIR: What? JAKE: Don't let it get to that octave. AMIR: No, I'm keeping it- JAKE: [voice gradually getting higher] Don't let it get up here! AMIR: To me, I'm like, always here, but every once in a while you just say "Oh, stop with that voice." JAKE: You get really excited and start talking really fast like- AMIR: [in a high voice] No that's not even- JAKE: Yeah, yeah yeah. AMIR: Okay, yeah. JAKE: You just did it. AMIR: I'm starting to hear it a little bit. JAKE: What's the game plan here? Sell the cookies, raise money for like- AMIR: Here's a tip. Every five year old in my chapter? Yeah. Their dads are [stutters] dwwiltfs. JAKE: ...What? AMIR: Dads whose wife I'd like to fuck. JAKE: [shakes head] You're a bad guy. AMIR: [messily applies red lipstick to his face] Why so serious? [Jake stares in confusion, Amir looks down and caps lipstick] AMIR: Dammit. Shit. Uhh, yeah. I went for it, didn't get it. That's... that's gonna happen. Dane Cook even tells jokes that sometimes don't get laughs. That doesn't mean shit. That feeling never gets old... [Jake gets out his phone] AMIR: Don't take a picture. Don't tweet it. This lipstick was expensive as shit, too. It wasn't... yeah. This feeling sucks. It was like a total, total gut-check. Maybe it's like the beret thing. It takes... It's too far away from The Joker that... girl scout outfit. What? JAKE: I didn't say anything. AMIR: Maybe you didn't hear. I'm gonna give it one more shot. 3, 2, 1... WHY SO SE- JAKE: I heard it! AMIR: Okay!