INTRO: Amir - Hi, and welcome to your worst nightmares, britches. Jake - I think you mean bitches. Amir - Whatever. AMIR: Hey Jake, check it out. (singsong) It's my dick in a box! JAKE: (smacks the box away) ... AMIR: Oh, my god!! What the heck is your problem?! JAKE: Put your dick away, man! AMIR: OK, it was away. It was in a box. JAKE: My brother is going to be here, any second, and I really-- (Kumail sneaks up behind Jake and covers his eyes) KUMAIL: Guess who? AMIR: I don't know who you are, so I can't guess, right? JAKE: That's what guessing is. Kumail! KUMAIL: What's up, brother? Oh, my god. You must be Amir. I've heard a lot about you! AMIR: Well, I've heard nothing about you. JAKE: That's because I haven't seen Kumail, in like what, 13 years! AMIR: Ho-oh, really? You haven't seen each other since you were negative four then? KUMAIL: (chuckles) You were right, he can't even do basic math. JAKE: Or talk. AMIR: (gibberish) JAKE: OK, I'm going to go to the bathroom man, and when I get back, we have checking up to do. KUMAIL: Yeah we do! (Jake leaves, Kumail stares at Amir deadpan) AMIR: So . . . KUMAIL: Shut the fuck up and help me find his pay stubs! AMIR: Pay stubs? (an orange is thrown at Amir) God! Uh, he keeps them in Connecticut, in his house, in a safe. KUMAIL: Really? Darn. Because I found a bunch of them right here. AMIR: Oh. KUMAIL: Now I know you're a liar. AMIR: Uh. KUMAIL: This is not good for you. AMIR: Yeah. I have to call Jake, I totally forgot but I have to call-- KUMAIL: Give me that. (Kumail grabs Amirs cell and throws it against the wall; Jake enters) JAKE: Hey Kumail, you ready to roll? KUMAIL: Yeah, sure thing! This dude just threw his cell phone against the wall. (laughs) JAKE: Again? AMIR: No. JAKE: God, you're stupid man. AMIR: Jake. Dinner tonight. Right now! Trust me. JAKE: Sure, yeah (beat) because, did you know that Amir is the last person on earth? KUMAIL: Really? The very last person on earth? JAKE: Yeah, that's the only reason I'd ever ditch dinner with you and have dinner with him. AMIR: No, I'm not-- KUMAIL: Zing! JAKE: Later, dude. KUMAIL: (ominously) Later, dude. (Jake and Kumail leave, Josh enters) AMIR: (sighs) JOSH: You gotta stop doing this, man. AMIR: OK, I didn't throw THROW THAT! This time. Sorry. Uh, I shouldn't yell. OK, just, uh, so frustrating. JOSH: Your dick is out. AMIR: I know. THE END. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0dRIXMw39E