INTRO AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir! JAKE: You're wearing a dress. AMIR: It's fancy! [Jake comes in and sits down at his desk. Amir leans on Jake's desk. For a moment, nothing happens, then they simultaneously start talking.] JAKE: Do you want to s-- AMIR: We should do that again-- ...what? JAKE: Do you want to sit at your desk? AMIR: I'm happy. JAKE: We just got breakfast. AMIR: This was a good morning for me; first in a while, actually. In fact, [standing up] permission to hug the shit out of you, sir? JAKE: Denied. [Amir pulls Jake in towards him by the head, then stares off into the middle distance and keeps talking.] AMIR: Sharing a meal with you was-- JAKE: You know, I told you not to act so proud. AMIR: [petting Jake's head] Amazeballs! Yeah! It really was amazeballs, for lack of a better term. You know they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. [laughs] Try my life. JAKE: [breaking free from Amir's grip] Alright. AMIR: [visibly taken aback] ...Cool it. JAKE: What did I say? If you don't turn it into such a big deal, may-- AMIR: I'm high on you! JAKE: See that? That's the kind of shit that makes me not want to get breakfast together. AMIR: [talking very fast, intermittently screaming] You're right. [chuckles] I'm sorry-- woo! I just-- [laughs] --I had all this positive energy pent up and I had to, like, let it out in one-- one, one-- one primal scream! But, uh, okay. Now I'm done! We're good-- JAKE: Okay, you're still screaming. Alright? [Amir is rubbing his hands together restlessly] Please, just... chill out. You're shaking! AMIR: [hands trembling and cupped around his mouth] I'm rather glad. [Amir turns and addresses Pat, who is across the room examining a binder.] AMIR: Pat! My main man! [laughs] What'd you do for breakfast today? PAT: Oh! Um... actually, it's-- it's a pretty sad story. Um, as you know, my dad... is not feeling well; he's sick, he's very sick-- AMIR: I ate with Jake! I ate with Jake, I ate with Jake, I ate with Jake, and I don't care who knows it! JAKE: I do. I care who knows it. And you know what? We didn't even eat breakfast together. I was in line at Starbucks and you stood behind me eating loose egg salad out of a plastic bag! AMIR: [pauses, then bursts out laughing] I love that! Breakfast club is nothing if not ribbing on each other! [still cheery] Cool it with the name-calling though, 'cause I'm secretly depressed about that kind of shit. JAKE: First of all, I didn't even call you a name just now. Second, you're not secretly depressed about anything. You're outwardly depressed about it. The barista called you "hun" and you started crying! AMIR: [making a kazoo-like humming sound with his nose as he talks] "Hum"? Like my nose emits a humming noise? Excuse me, but I have a deviated septum about that kind of shit! Where does she get off calling me that, that-- that queen, that diva, that roach? JAKE: Why do you think she said "hum"? By the way, you name-call a lot, for someone who doesn't like it. AMIR: [still humming] I hate it when it's used on me. I like it when it's used on other people... dillweed! JAKE: No, I know! I'm just pointing out how hypocritical you are-- close your mouth-- okay? You're dumb, and you're mean, and... and your nose does emit a humming noise! AMIR: [humming] And time! Congratulations, you've ruined the warming glow of breakfast by ten AM! Hey, it's a new record, bud! JAKE: Look how fast you turned on me. How quickly you went from happy to sad. [Amir is suddenly happy] From calm to angry. [Amir is suddenly angry again] Is that normal? AMIR: [humming] Maybe. JAKE: I don't think it is. I think you should just try to be nice, and quiet, for five minutes in a row. Right now. AMIR: And then you'll take me to lunch? JAKE: Yes. Fine. If you're quiet for five minutes, I will take you to lunch. AMIR: You're on. PAT: Sorry, uh-- did you... want to know about my dad, still? AMIR: Quiet, dork! JAKE: You lost it, Hum. AMIR: [slowly being drowned out by his own nasal hum] Noooooooo! END