INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir! AMIR: Who wants free comedy? JAKE: Ass. AMIR: [laughing] Alright. [Jake is at his desk. Amir comes in with a paper package and an umbrella.] JAKE: It's not raining outside. AMIR: Hey, check this out. I, uh... made my own bread last night? JAKE: Are you asking me a question? AMIR: [suddenly out of breath] Yeah, I just figured, uh, why not? [unwrapping and holding up a loaf of bread] I've been, uh, interested in that... kind of thing for a while now, so... ta-dah! JAKE: Wow... okay. [gives a thumbs-up] Nice, bud. AMIR: [still out of breath] Yeah, last night for dinner, I was, uh, jonesing for, like, a grilled cheese sandwich, you know. So I open the door and I just see, like, uh, cheddar? JAKE: Just make them sentences instead of questions. Statements, okay? [Amir nods] You're telling me a story; you're not asking me. AMIR: And I had, um... [pause] tomatoes? JAKE: ...Did you have it or not? I don't know. AMIR: I had tomatoes? JAKE: Okay? AMIR: But hey! No bread, so I, uh... [long pause] I open the fridge, and I'm like "You know what, Jake"-- JAKE: --"Amir"-- AMIR: --"Jake, today's the day... today's the day you finally... you figure it out. You figure it out, and you get it done." So, uh... let me cut you off a slice, huh? [grabbing a knife] JAKE: You know what? I-- you know, I appreciate the offer. I actually am just not that hungry. AMIR: [sawing the bread loaf] Come on, please? It'll mean a lot to me if you... try a slice! JAKE: No, I know it would mean a lot to you. That's one of the reasons I don't want to try the bread. AMIR: [still sawing] I'm curious to see what you think about it. JAKE: I wish you were less curious. AMIR: [holding the bread off the table, still sawing] Whether you like it or not is actually what I'm most curious about! JAKE: Right, of course. I know. [Amir finishes cutting a slice of bread. He hands it to Jake.] AMIR: Here you go. Careful, it is hard. [Amir drops the bread, and it makes a clanking sound. Jake picks it up.] JAKE: ...Why? AMIR: Sometimes bread comes out like that. [Jake tries to bite into the bread, and fails.] JAKE: Ow! Really hard. AMIR: Well, it's a work in progress, sure, okay, but there's a learning curve. JAKE: This is chalk! AMIR: That is uncalled for! It is chalky, to be sure, but there are some redeeming characteristics. JAKE: No, like this bread is legitimately chalk! I mean-- [pulls out a chalkboard, draws on it using the bread] --look! AMIR: Enough! More than enough, actually, okay? There's constructive criticism, and then there's this-- this-- this-- this-- this poison that you say to me... JAKE: This bread is poison! AMIR: Do you like it... or not? JAKE: Like it? I can't even bring myself to bite into it! This slice alone is the density of a brick! I mean, it's amazing! AMIR: Appreciated! JAKE: Never a compliment. AMIR: Alright, here: try it with some of this homemade jam! [Handing Jake a plastic container with a live rabbit sitting in it] Yeah! Just spread that liberally on the chalk-- or, bread. [laughing] Now you have me saying "chalk", ya dingbat! JAKE: How? AMIR: No-- I don't know how! You said "chalk", and then suddenly I'm saying "chalk" instead of "bread". It's a whole thing. JAKE: No, I mean, like, how do you have this? How do you think it's jam? AMIR: It is jam! You just press its head against the bread-- not chalk mind you-- [laughs] and then you use a knife to sort of squeeze its little jam insides out of its anus onto the cha-- [pause] bread, oh my God, I hate you! [Jake stares, dumbfounded, at Amir.] AMIR: Here! Here! Give me that-- give me that rabbit jam. I'll show you. JAKE: No! I will not! AMIR: Excuse you. JAKE: Excuse you! AMIR: No, excuse you! JAKE: Absolutely excuse you! AMIR: Give me the rabbit back, my friend. [Jake gets up and leaves with the rabbit.] AMIR: Hey-- hey! Get-- that guy's getting away with my jam! Get back here, you thief! [Amir picks up the remaining loaf and throws it at Jake. He misses and hits Rosie in the head.] ROSIE: Ahh! AMIR: Oh! DAVE: [kneeling by Rosie's corpse] He's dead... END