INTRO JAKE: You're watching Jake and Amir! AMIR: Hey, it's a living! JAKE: Just don't talk. AMIR: Deal! [Jake and Amir are sitting at their desks.] AMIR: Oh, hey Jake. JAKE: Yeah. [Amir turns and smiles, revealing that he has braces.] AMIR: Have a good one. JAKE: Oh, no... AMIR: Oh, yeah! JAKE: Blood. [Amir's gums have begun bleeding to the point where all of his teeth are red.] AMIR: Oh... no. Oh no. JAKE: At least tell me you went to a real orthodontist. AMIR: I can tell ya... but then I'd have to kill ya! JAKE: Why? AMIR: It's... just a t-- forget it, okay? My cousin Leron jacked the pamphlet from a dentist and tried to slap these on herself. JAKE: Herself? AMIR: Himself, I said. JAKE: No, you didn't. AMIR: Turns out, he couldn't. Wuh-oh, no surprise there. Leron's a coward and a thief. Good thing his buddy Travin was right around the corner, and he fixed me up right good! Only problem is: he's concussed. JAKE: How? AMIR: Sittin' in the operating chair, I'm this terrible combination of pissed and scared, kickin' my legs willy-nilly like a jackrabbit over water, but Lee and Trav were gung-ho about the project, not ready to relent. Luckily for me, Trav [now pronounced trayv] is a frickin' geezer. JAKE: How old is he? AMIR: He's a sprightly ninety-three, but doesn't look a day under thirty. JAKE: That's cuz he's not. AMIR: Anyway, I kick him straight in the jar. JAKE: Do you mean jaw? AMIR: I wish! JAKE: What was wrong with your teeth, anyway? AMIR: Don't pretend you didn't notice, okay? Gingivitis, plaque, rotting-gum disease, oral acne, periodontic rosacea... JAKE: So they weren't crooked, though. AMIR: God, no. Nah, I had a--, like, headgear for the first eleven years on Earth. JAKE: Right. Since you were an infant? AMIR: Yeah. Well, even way before. I even had one of those chinstrap things and, like, a built-in retainer you had to turn with, like, a... like a-- that soda can opener thing? JAKE: Like a tab? AMIR: No, like the thing you open a soda can with. JAKE: The tab. AMIR: Yeah. Right, exactly. A tab. Either way, in about three weeks I'm gonna have the brightest set of pearly-whites you'll ever see! JAKE: Braces straighten your teeth. They don't whiten them. [Amir makes a face and bobbles his head, mocking Jake. Jake looks confused.] AMIR: I know. JAKE: You know? AMIR: I know. JAKE: You know. Okay, so why-- AMIR: I know! So drop it. JAKE: So why would you-- AMIR: So drop it. JAKE: Your gums are bleeding, man. AMIR: Bleeding? ...Or am I just eating a red velvet cupcake? JAKE: Bleeding. AMIR: Incorrect! [He pulls out a red velvet cupcake.] Both. JAKE: That looks like an intact cupcake, so you didn't eat it. AMIR: I was gonna, okay? But my teeth frickin' kill. JAKE: Wow, braces, fallin' off. [Amir's braces have slipped off his teeth.] AMIR: Yeah. Here we go... END