INTRO Jake - Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Amir - And if anybody needs a couch, just text me. Jake - This isn't craigslist. EPISODE Amir - Doing an eight week boot camp at Gold's Gym. Jake - Ok. Amir - Six weeks in, and I haven't showed up yet. Jake - Heheh nice, alright, I actually have to write this e-mail so... Amir - Day one and I show up ready as a raw rack of ribs. Jake - You just said you never showed up. Amir - First up is a 2 mile power jog on this death machine they call a trackmill. Jake - Treadmill. Amir - So I use the opportunity to go for a run myself, out of the friggin gymnastium. But not before proving my worth to the instructor by picking up the biggest weight I could find... The weight to the women's locker room. Hahah. Jake - (looks unamused) Amir - Didn't think you'd get that. Now I actually bend down to pick up a barbell that probably grossed about 80 kilos and pop goes my weasel. My back is pulled like a pork sandwich in pot-tuckey. Jake - I don't wanna hear the whole story man, ok. You're only on day one. Amir - I practiced like... ok. Jake - Ok. Amir - It's just that I practiced a lot you know, that story was very very memorized, and the metaphors were very tight, ok. I figured you'd appreciate it. Jake - Well you figured so completely wrong. Amir - Sure...so.... What now? Jake - We work, ok. You don't have to talk to me. Amir - It's fine. Jake - It's fine. Amir - ...Then I won't.... Second day's the first loser so I walk back into that nastium with my head held higher than a helium kite on the fourth planet... Martians. Jake - You said the metaphors were tight man, that was such a stretch. Amir - Yeah, well you said you didn't even want to hear 'em. Jake - Exactly. Amir - So I stopped. Jake - And then you started again. Amir - Let me at least rattle off the metaphors ok, not the whole story, just, you know... otherwise they weren't even worth me thinking of. Jake - They weren't. Amir - Flaccid as an octopus in a cowboy costume. Jake - Bad. Amir - Hell time at high noon day. Jake - Not a metaphor. Amir - Let me finish, sorry but... Hell time at high noon day. Uh, chicken-eyed like a cock nosed rooster. Jake - So you were finished with the hell time one. Amir - With the hell time one yeah, yeah I was. Jake - I don't even know how chicken-eyed would even fit into the story. Amir - And now you'll never know. Jake - I have a feeling you're gonna tell me... Amir - Day 12 is breathing exercises and pelvic stretching, so I'm like fff-no. Heh. Ef-no. Jake - Pelvic Stretches? What kind of boot camp was this? Amir - It's a post natal baby boot camp, ok. Imagine my surprise when I find out. Jake - I imagine you were chicken-eyed... Amir - Yeah, I was friggin chicken-eyed like a cock nosed... Jake - Rooster. Amir - (makes weird face) Exactly. Jake - You gotta stop making that face alright, please. Amir - (drops face) Checklist for Episodes