Jake and Amir Blood Donation Transcript: INTRO AMIR: {Makes weird electronic noises} JAKE: There's already music AMIR: right..right right right JAKE: how did you get past the screening process? You can't be healthy enough to give blood AMIR: yeah I guess my six blood diseases cancel each other out... {Laughs} No- I lied on my form JAKE: do you really have six blood diseases? AMIR: I lied on my form! AMIR: ooh this really freakin kills right now but Ii know it's worth it to help the less fortunate JAKE: what are you talking about? The nurse is cleaning your skin he hasn't stuck a needle in you yet AMIR: needle? Oh..oh OH MY GOD! OH FUCK THE LESS FORTUNATE I HATE THE POOR I HATE THE POOR I HATE THE POOR! JAKE: hey man your blood is like clear and orange what blood type are you? AMIR: O positive. As in oh I'm positive that's 95 per cent pizza grease *{Amir gets out cigarette and lighter} JAKE: Oh my God put that away! What are you doing? AMIR: what? is there are law against cigarette indoors while donating blood? JAKE: yeah I think a lot of laws AMIR: against it though? JAKE: Yes I said against AMIR: ever heard of the universal donor? Well I'm the universal boner. {Laugh turns into choking} feel my heart JAKE: {puts hand on Amir's chest} what's up? Oh yeah.. That's a.. that's a flutter AMIR: yeah.. That's a flutter AMIR: {Holding a cigarette and a lighter} one puff JAKE: wrong way. One direction right? AMIR: there's no wrong way. Just one direction. JAKE: I saw an image on Reddit today. AMIR: oh? JAKE: {continues} of a guy jerking off in the subway AMIR: ah yeah.. JAKE: yeah and face was blurred out but I swear to God it was you AMIR: first of all it was a bus not the subway and second of all, it wasn't me? JAKE: it's too late for that second of all AMIR: yeah.. AMIR: favourite part about donating blood? JAKE: I guess the feeling of giving? AMIR: really? That's my least favourite part JAKE: I know I saw the t-shirt AMIR: {lifts up t-shirt that says: the worst part of giving blood is the feeling of giving} Oh yeah! JAKE: you have to stop making those shirts. They're mean and you're not good AMIR: really? {Lifts up t-shirt to reveal another t-shirt that says: I'm not good} talk to the shirt! JAKE: how do you do that so fast? AMIR: let me answer your question with another shir.. {Lifts up t-shirt but there's no more} Oh I thought I had another one that said I'm fast JAKE: {with hand on Amir's chest} Yo, I haven't felt anything in like, thirty seconds AMIR: I know right? AMIR: Is it true that just by donating a pint of blood you can save a dozen lives and over the course of my life I can save a busload of children? JAKE: yeah that's true AMIR: and yet it ain't worth it {laughs} JAKE: I'm actually getting a little light headed AMIR: Oh my God pussy. Pussy for that! JAKE: no you fainted. Twice. Once for twenty minutes and once for an hour. Woke up, saw the needle and started crying. You also pissed yourself. AMIR: spoken like a true nanny JAKE: you came here in a skirt *{camera pans down to reveal Amir in a mini-skirt and pans back up} AMIR: they're called jeans. JAKE: For real, you and I have known each other for a really long time and I'm just {fist pump} yeah.. I'm like racking my brain right now trying to come up with just one nice thing you've ever done for anybody AMIR: just drop it okay? AMIR: hey check it out I'm a cannibal vampire. {Takes Jake's tube and sucks it} JAKE: OH MY GOD. du..du..du..dude STOP AMIR: hehe JAKE: I'm sorry to harp on it but you're just not a good guy and you have an ugly personality and a *black heart AMIR: yeah I know, I know. I'm gonna make a change- don't worry JAKE: you won't make a change that's the worst part you're selfish, you're stupid and you're mean. AMIR: yeah I know I suck I'm sorry AMIR: all right all done! Time to pay up! JAKE: we're at a blood bank man we do it for free AMIR: what? There's places that'll pay you and we went to one for free?! JAKE: try to be happy that we did a good deed AMIR: how can I be happy knowing that we helped the less fortunate and I don't even have any cheddar to show for it?! JAKE: you don't need the cheddar AMIR: I need the cheese! Yeah I need the cheese! JAKE: you don't need the cheese AMIR: I'm a mouse! Give me the cheese JAKE: you're a bad person AMIR: I'll change.