INTRO JAKE: Hello, you're watching Jake and Amir! AMIR: Wow, hamming it up much! JAKE: Jesus. AMIR: Diva! [Jake and Amir are at their desks.] AMIR: Holy guac! These Bitcoin things are ridinky-donky! I gotta have one, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bad! JAKE: Stop it. Do you even know what a Bitcoin is? AMIR: Yeah, the future of everything! [Making excessive air-quotes] You know "money"? Bitcoin is like "money", but, um... "better". JAKE: You're overusing your air-quotes. Why do you think Bitcoin is better than money? AMIR: Because it's worth more than cash! ...Ya jackash! One Bitcoin is currently worth four hundred and fifty... cash! JAKE: Right, you're using that word wrong. A Bitcoin is worth four hundred and fifty dollars. AMIR: Which, last time I checked, was still more than the one hundred [perfect Jake impression] "dollars." that I bought it for six months ago, so. JAKE: You know what, man? You are exactly what's wrong with Bitcoin. You and your speculator friends are just treating it like a stock, [Pat walks by] hoarding Kingcoin, waiting for the price to go up so you can sell it to the next jackash at a profit! PAT: Jake, sorry... didn't you buy, like, ten Bitcoin a few months ago, when they were selling for twelve hundred a coin? JAKE: Yeah, dude! 'Cause I believe in Bitcoin! PAT: Why? JAKE: Um, 'cause it's the future of everything? [pulls a weird face] AMIR: [laughing] I love you! PAT: How is it the future of everything? JAKE: [holding up one finger] Oh, um, it's untraceable! For one! Untraceable! [Amir also holds up a finger] PAT: Meaning... JAKE: Meaning it's worth more than cash! ...Jackash! [Amir cracks up silently.] PAT: And how is cash traceable? JAKE: And, um, Pat? [doing the Robot, singing in a robot voice] It's digital. It's digital. [Amir dances too] It is digital. Bitcoin's digital. PAT: How are dollars traceable? JAKE: And, um, to my final point: [mimes pushing glasses up the bridge of his nose] It is, um, an online cryptocurrency, Mr. Cassels, so, uh... Hurwitz! From way downtown! [Jake lobs a tennis ball at Pat, who moves out of the way.] PAT: Jesus! AMIR: Oh-ho, swish! JAKE: Hey, Amir! Why don't you tell this pasty Jew what we do to jackashes! PAT: I'm not Jewish. AMIR: I am, ya jackash! JAKE: [motioning Amir over] Buddy... I think you should lift me up. AMIR: ...What? JAKE: I just swished the game-winning three, so I think it's only fair that you come over here, lift me up like a champion, and give me your Bitcoin. AMIR: Excuse me. [Jake puts his arms out, expecting to be lifted up. Amir walks over.] AMIR: Uh... okay... PAT: This is absurd. [Jake hoists himself up and wraps his legs around Amir's waist like a small child would.] AMIR: Oh! You're h-- ...you're heavy! JAKE: No I'm not! PAT: This is so weird. JAKE: What's your Coinbase login and password? We're gonna sign in, we're gonna move all your Bitcoin over to my digital wallet. AMIR: I thought you said you already had Bitcoin! JAKE: I did have Bitcoin, and it was in MtGox. It was hacked and now it's gone. [pause] Alright, I made the three. It was from downtown. AMIR: You're hurting my back! JAKE: Then let me down! [Amir puts Jake down. Jake sniffles and wipes away a tear.] JAKE: 'Cause you let me down. [leaves] AMIR: ...I'm sorry! PAT: Hey, Amir, you know, for what it's worth, I'm proud of you for standing up to that, uh... really weird bullying. AMIR: That weird bullying was the highlight of my life! ...Jackash! END