INTRO AMIR: Hey, you're watching a very special birthday episode of Jake and Amir! JAKE: Please stop it. [Amir cackles.] JAKE: Stop, bud. [Jake is at his desk. Amir dances in.] AMIR: Go! Go! Go! Go shorty! It's your birfday! We gonna party like it0 your birfday! JAKE: Thank you. Thank you very much. AMIR: [laughing] ...What? JAKE: I said "thank you". AMIR: [still laughing] You said it so soft! It was a big deal. [Jake nods.] AMIR: I made a big deal of your birthday, and you're just like "Thank you. Thank you." JAKE: And I appreciate that, and I would actually like that... well, I'm trying to subdue you a little bit. AMIR: I'm-- I'm hyped! JAKE: I know, and I don't want you to be. AMIR: I'm hyphy! JAKE: I know. AMIR: Want to know the difference between me and 50 Cents? JAKE: You're not a gangster, you were never shot, you're not wealthy, talented, or successful, you're not a good businessman, you're not friends with Eminem... AMIR: I do give a fuck if that's your birfday... I really do. JAKE: I know. AMIR: Silly me, I guess. You know, the big two-nine, it's kind of a big deal. In fact, how would you like a two-nine fish sandwich? JAKE: I don't think I would like a two-nine fish sandwich. [A server walks up behind Jake with a platter of tuna fish sandwiches.] AMIR: [making a hand gesture to send the server away] Of course... why would you? Let me do you one better. You know how you have a weird love affair with coupons? JAKE: I know how you make up realities to justify the weird stupid things you do... AMIR: [holding up a coupon book] Here's a book of three hundred and sixty-five coupons. One for every day until you reach the wipe old age... [pretends to wipe himself with the book] of dirty! JAKE: I bet there is actual shit on that. [Amir hands Jake the coupon book. Jake sniffs it and cringes.] JAKE: Yeah. Wow. [reading from the book] "Free hug from Amir." [Amir puts his arms up for a hug.] JAKE: "Free massage from Amir." AMIR: [making massaging motions] They get better. JAKE: "Free impression from Amir. White celebrity only." [Amir waggles his finger and mimes talking into a microphone.] JAKE: "Free impression from Amir. Any ethnicity goes. Hey, this is your birthday, after all." [Amir puts his hands together and does an exaggerated East Asian bow.] JAKE: Racist. AMIR: They get better. JAKE: They get violent. "Free punch from Amir to anybody of your choosing. Females allowed/encouraged. No questions asked." AMIR: [punching the air] They get better. JAKE: "Freestyle rap, fifty dollars off"? Fifty dollars off of what? AMIR: A hundred and fifty dollars. The going rate. JAKE: So it's not free. AMIR: Free of style! ...Free of style! I'm starting to think you don't like the coupon book! JAKE: I don't love the coupon book. Why don't you just take it back? AMIR: I can't take it back! It's non-transferrable! Non-returnable! Read the fine print! I couldn't take-- [Jake throws the coupon book and hits Amir lightly in the forehead.] AMIR: Oh! JAKE: Sorry, bud! That's what you get for trying to give me a bum gift! AMIR: [bleeding from his forehead] No, no, like it really cut me! Ya cut me bad! JAKE: How are you this fragile? AMIR: Fragile? Ya-y-y-y-ya sliced me! Ya really diced me, dude! And on my favorite day of the year: your birfday! JAKE: Even if I just sliced you, you're bleeding way too much! MURPH: [walking up behind Jake] Jake. I saw what you did to Amir there. JAKE: Look, Murphy. Get out of here, okay, dude? It's not that big of a deal. MURPH: It's actually a huge deal. JAKE: You want to talk about injuring people at work? Amir's done so much worse. Hell, man, you've done a lot worse! AMIR: I'm leaking, Murphy! JAKE: Tattletale! MURPH: And I've caught you... [bending Jake's hands behind his back] bitch-handed! Yeah! JAKE: Ouch! Dude, let go, alright? It's my friggin' birfday! MURPH: I don't give a fuck if it's your birfday! It's your Murphday now. JAKE: I don't want it to be my Murphday. MURPH: Too bad. It's your Murphday. JAKE: I hate my Murphday. MURPH: It's your Murphday. You shouldn't hate it. Eat your Murphday cake. JAKE: I don't like that one bit. Amir, I want to use the coupon! AMIR: [rapping] Murph! Murph! It's your turf! Come down to Erf! You crazy Smurf! JAKE: [as Murph drags him away] That's the rapping one! The punching one! AMIR: No, that was females only! JAKE: Females allowed! Females encouraged! Aaaah! END